LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Cirque du O.J.: “About the only thing left for the defense lawyers is to climb out of a tiny little car and squirt each other with seltzer.” (Jenny Church)

* “Best part of O.J.’s Friday speech is that he got it in one take.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “The most amazing part about the speech was that no one could see Johnnie Cochran’s lips move.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Scripted? D-Day wasn’t planned as thoroughly. The only thing missing was, ‘Thank you very kindly.’ ” (Cutler)

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In the news: Comedy writer Dave Margolis, on President Clinton saying the failure of his presidency so far has been his inability to give Americans the big picture: “We’ve seen the picture, all right. Only trouble is, it’s one of those pictures of Elvis on black velvet.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President saying the nation is in a “funk”: “Jimmy Carter rides again. The difference is that Clinton used the word funk because in Arkansas, malaise is something you put on your hamburger.”

Irvine reader William Hsiang, on billionaire Malcolm Forbes Jr. plunking down $25 million of his personal money to run for the presidency: “Unfazed, Michael Huffington saw his 25, and raised him 10.”

Comedy writer Paul Steinberg, on people seeing Colin Powell as the next Eisenhower: “There is a downside. If he’s the next Eisenhower, that means his running mate would be the next Nixon.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Dan Quayle heading GOP fund-raising: “He’d been in charge of Republican telephone polls, but he had trouble climbing them.”

Church, on some voters not being able to identify Gov. Pete from his phalanx of suited California Highway Patrol officers: “It’s easy. The CHiPs are the ones who know when to call off a chase.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on the first day of fall: “Vacationers are flocking to Los Angeles to see George Hamilton’s face change colors.”

Margolis, on the baseball races: “The California Angels trainer set a new record the other night by performing the Heimlich maneuver 25 times.”

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Among the Top 10 rejected “Jeopardy” categories, according to David Letterman:

* Things Cher has had done to her.

* Exciting shows on at the same time as “Jeopardy.”

* Things that smell like eggs.

* Itos, Titos and Fritos.

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Oceanside reader Ed Phillips and his wife were transferring some home video-cam movies to VHS tape, including one of the birth of daughter Danielle. The 2-year-old stared intently at the screen, watching herself being born, her cries intensifying as the nurses and doctors examined her. When the tape ended, Danielle slowly looked up and said:

“Mom, I never want to do that again!”