Stop Spouse Abuse in Its Infancy : From the cradle on, the daughter who is valued for more than her looks is less likely to suffer in dependence on a man.

President Clinton last Friday implored American men to vow not to raise their hands in violence toward women. Evidently, Clinton was moved to press his pleas in the wake of revelations during the Simpson-Goldman murder trial that defendant O.J. Simpson had subjected his former wife to years of abuse, both during and after their marriage.

Clinton wasn’t the only one using the so-called trial of the century to call attention to spousal violence. Denise Brown, sister of victim Nicole Brown Simpson, started a foundation to raise the national consciousness about the harm done to women by their partners, naming it in honor of her sister. The National Organization for Women has taken up the banner, calling attention to the cavalier attitude of the criminal-justice system toward violence done to women in their own homes.

There is much to value in drives to change the language and spirit of the law and in establishing working memorials to victims of spousal abuse. Candlelight vigils have their place. But important battles are best fought on multiple fronts. While Clinton was encouraging men to be reasonable, some man was hitting a woman. Until there is a national consensus that partner battery is not a matter of a relationship being “stormy,” as one of O.J. Simpson’s lawyers suggested, something has to be done for our sisters and daughters at risk of being caught in the lonely cycle of an abusive relationship.

There is no magic prescription for keeping a girl child safe from an abusive relationship, but it cannot hurt to let her know, from the cradle, that she is loved and valued beyond her decorative attributes. What could be the harm in telling her that she is special and beautiful from her center to her extremities? Why not infuse her, as you teach her to tie her shoes, with a sense of the possibilities before her? Encourage her to dream and to dare to accomplish her dreams. Let her play sports. Start saving for college as her first words are uttered, and tell her about it, since girls with a sense of the future are less likely to marry too young, parent too soon and become dependent on a man.

It might help prevent a daughter’s descent into the abyss of an unhealthy relationship to help her put her burgeoning body awareness in perspective when she turns 13. Her mind and spirit need affirmation along with straight teeth and long legs. Turn off the television when the hair-color commercials come on until after her 14th birthday; too many of them espouse too completely the value of being decorative. In fact, put your television away entirely until you explain to her the precepts of advertising. That should take until her 15th birthday. If you want your daughter to reach her 18th birthday without believing that becoming an asset to a successful man is a worthwhile career choice, you may have to watch what you read to her. I would take Cinderella off your list, along with Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and, of course, romance novels. And there are movies you might want to keep her from seeing until her sense of self is appropriately developed, among them “Pretty Woman” and “An Officer and a Gentleman.” Compile your own list. While you are at it, keep your daughter away from “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” Tina Turner’s escape from Ike’s violence comes a bit too late in the story.

If, despite your best efforts, your daughter falls prey to the wiles of an abuser--which could happen, since often they are not discernible from the general population--there is still hope. Give her a key to your house. Say nothing in the first minutes that she comes to you crying and bleeding. Run the tub and let her cry. Open your arms to her, reminding her with that gesture that she has someplace to go besides back to her abuser. Read her poetry till she falls asleep. During that first night, become a repeating subliminal tape, reminding her again of her value and talents and reasons to live without her abuser.

Remember that when she was 6, you would have done grievous bodily harm to anyone who hurt her. Your wounded daughter is not an abstraction and should not become the subject of a candlelight vigil if you can help it. Call out the dogs on her abuser, get him stopped at any cost. Do what you can to make sure that the first time he hit her is the only time. If you doubt the wisdom of these protective actions, think about an alternative possibility: having to testify after her murder.