LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

TKO: “Due to a hand injury, Mike Tyson had to postpone his fight scheduled for Saturday with Buster Mathis. He also had to cancel a radio interview with Joycelyn Elders."(Paul Ecker)

* “Doctors confirmed that Iron Mike’s thumb had been previously weakened from incessantly banging on his bars with a tin cup.” (Bob Mills)

* “Apparently, it was an old dating injury.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Tyson actually injured his hand several weeks ago, while doing a comb-out on Don King.” (Ecker)



In the news: Paul Steinberg, on Elizabeth Dole saying she’ll keep her job as head of the American Red Cross if her husband is elected President: “This is good news. She’ll be in a great position to jump right in and deal with any disasters Bob creates.”

* Adds Gary Easley: “Hey, why should he be the only member of the family taking blood from the American people?”

Alan Ray, on Congress keeping federal subsidies to wine makers: “The funding was almost cut when one senator mistook it for a school lunch program.”

Tony Peyser, on the Egyptian mummy from 1000 BC that was scheduled for a CAT scan in a New York hospital this week: “Due to Republican Medicare cuts, she’ll now have to wait in line at an HMO for another 600 years.”

Jay Leno, on Quebec voters deciding not to break away from Canada: “It was agreed, however, that Quebec can start dating other countries.”

Leno, on how other passengers reacted to Queen Elizabeth flying commercial for the first time: “They said it was a pain. She spent the entire flight sitting on the throne, and nobody else could get in there.”

Alex Pearlstein, on the large volume of fan mail sent to Johnnie Cochran: “He says that while he can’t answer every letter in writing, he always tries to send each fan an 8x10 glossy and a personally autographed race card.”

Jerry Perisho, on Huntington Park police seizing 79,000 phony driver’s licenses in a raid on a condo: “Informants said there were numerous clues that it wasn’t a DMV operation. You didn’t need an appointment, the people were friendly and the bathrooms were clean.”

Jenny Church, on the Oklahoma inmate suing because the prison won’t allow him to wear women’s nylon bikini briefs: “The prisoner was put in a padded cell. To match his bra.”

Mills, on the “woefully inadequate” will that could cost heirs of former Chief Justice Warren Burger a bundle and tie up his estate: “Friends say he always wanted his will to end up in the Supreme Court, just out of company loyalty.”


San Pedro readers Hap and Delores Herrera were getting ready to enjoy a take-out dinner with son Justin, 3. But each time they took a piece of chicken from the bag, he said, “No, not that one.” Finally, they asked which piece he wanted. Justin replied:

“You know, the chicken with the handle.”