Nobody’s home:Paul Dwyer of Santa Monica spotted...

Nobody’s home:

Paul Dwyer of Santa Monica spotted a Cost Plus ad in The Times that featured a “Go Away” unwelcome mat and called the store to see if it was a joke. Far from it, a worker told him. The front-porch insult is “one of our biggest sellers.”

FAR FROM A NO-WHINNY SITUATION: A jury candidate in Long Beach reports that during the introductory remarks for his group, the jury coordinator pointed out that there was an enclosed parking structure for cars and an outdoor parking lot for bigger vehicles--and for horses.

“I have to mention horses,” the coordinator explained, “because a few years ago someone reported to jury duty on a horse and didn’t have any place to park.”

SPEAKING OF HORSE SENSE: Auto writer Paul Dean has been test-driving a 1996 Lincoln Continental, which he says is “an electronic masterpiece. Your $47,000 buys a host of security items, such as lights that come on automatically in dark places, doors that lock you inside, a radio that is coded not to work if removed from the dash. But last night, there was no resistance or warning or stopping of the guy who bashed in the window with a brick and stole my cellular phone.”

The car is supposed to flash lights and blow its horn if someone tries to break in through the doors. But, Dean adds, “it seems someone forgot the obvious, like a brick through a window. Rather like the guy in the bar who charges someone yelling, ‘Karate!’ And the bartender smacks him over the head and replies: ‘Stool.’ ”

LIST OF THE DAY: From 1922 to 1927, the Los Angeles Times owned radio station KHJ. Radio, of course, was a new and somewhat puzzling medium back then, as you can see from the questions that the station received from callers on a typical August morning in 1927:

* I think I need some new kilocycles for my radio. Do you know where I could buy some?”

* “I’ve lost my John [a dog]. Can you find him?”

* “What time is it?”

* “How do I turn my radio dials to get KHJ?”

* “Can you tune in WJZ for me tonight so I can hear my girl sing in New York?”

* “Can you tell me what a wavelength looks like?”

OR IS IT VA CELLULAR? Bruce Stein of Canoga Park found a return address on an L.A. Cellular flyer that leads one to wonder whether customers calling the home office in search of some new kilocycles are risking a huge toll charge.

miscelLAny

Several hundred people squeezed into a Washington church for an AIDS fund-raising auction, reports the Reliable Source column in the Washington Post. But “no one was willing to drop money on a framed copy of a 1981 college music program--signed by O.J. Simpson. The auctioneer pleaded for bids for a few minutes, then withdrew the item from the floor. The crowd burst into applause.” Sounds like the crowd felt not guilty about the snub.