Quizzical Approach to a Game

By Mike Downey

Nov. 17, 1995 12 AM PT

Are you ready for some football? Whoooooa, Nellie, Keith Jackson, it’s big-big-big-game day Saturday at the Coliseum, so pack up your hibachi and your wienies and buns and come on down. It’s time for USC vs. UCLA. No, sorry, I mean UCLA vs. USC. Oh, man, you decide. Anyway, it’s like Army vs. Navy, except without the push-ups.

The following exam is for all true-blue Bruin or red-blooded Trojan fans to take while they tailgate. Any history student of this fine series should be able to pass a quickie multiple-choice quiz, without any help from Windows ’95 or a smart dweeb who sits next to you in class. Answers on next page. (Oh, who am I kidding? You won’t get that far.)

Pencils up:

1. USC’s primary goal Saturday is:

(a) To win by 20 points.

(b) To win by 40 points.

(d) To re-clinch the Rose Bowl.

(e) To be invited to the big “Can’t we all get along?” party in Westwood, right after the game.

2. UCLA’s primary goal Saturday is:

(a) To win on a 99-yard pass (or longer).

(b) To find Coliseum parking under $20.

(d) To say: “We ain’t no Notre Dame.”

(e) To be guest on Ricki Lake show before 21st birthday. (Monday on Ricki: My boyfriend is in love with a USC cheerleader and a USC linebacker at the same time!)

3. Al Cowlings, former USC football player, will be:

(a) The driver of the Rose Parade float.

(b) Calling in with advice from the car phone.

(d) The designated driver at the victory party.

(e) Bringing passports and extra cash, just in case.

4. Taking the place of Karim Abdul-Jabbar, injured UCLA player, will be:

(a) Sidney Wicks and Curtis Rowe.

(b) Vlade Divac.

(c) Sharmon Shah. (A trick on UCLA’s part. Although Abdul-Jabbar is listed as doubtful, Shah, his original name, is actually available to play.)

(d) Swen Nater.

(e) Freshman tailback Keith Wilkes.

5. Tom Kelly has been the voice of Trojan football since:

(a) The invention of the radio.

(b) The UCLA game, 1968.

(d) The Gaul game, 38 B.C.

(e) The invention of the Trojan.

6. USC Coach John Robinson’s new book is:

(a) “The Bridges of Orange County.”

(b) “Silence of the Rams.”

(d) “Johnny Robinson’s Little Red Football Book.”

(e) “Danielle Steele’s ‘Hollywood Coaches.’ ”

7. The favorite hobby of former USC quarterback Todd Marinovich was:

(a) Nude surfing.

(b) Roller football.

(d) Nude bathing.

(e) Bruin bashing.

8. Tommy Maddox, former UCLA quarterback, quit school early to:

(a) Sit on the Bronco bench.

(b) Sit on the Ram bench.

(d) Avoid those pesky agents.

(e) Keep from having to travel to Pullman, Wash., to play Washington State, ever again.

9. Troy Aikman, former UCLA quarterback, is now:

(a) Right up there with Elvis Grbac among the NFL’s best.

(b) Begging Jimmy Johnson to return.

(d) 2% tooth enamel, 98% tobacco.

(e) Also willing to discuss Tom Landry’s return.

10. USC’s secret weapon Saturday will be:

(a) Rotating 11 quarterbacks.

(b) Keyshawn Johnson at free safety.

(d) “We’ll run the football,” coach hints.

(e) John Robinson out, Cheryl Miller in.

11. Banners of UCLA’s fans will include:

(a) “Did We Really Beat Miami?”

(b) “SC basketball -- -- -- “ (Fill in blanks.)

(d) “Coach Donahue, we . . . we love ya, man.”

(e) “Hi, Howard, Frank, Dandy Don.” (Old banner.)

12. The hero of Saturday’s game will be:

(a) Number 57. (Call it a hunch.)

(b) Bumped in the chest, hard.

(c) Given the Chevrolet player-of-the-game award. (Probably some crummy scholarship in his name, instead of a nice new Chevrolet, like he ought to get, you cheap NCAA chiselers, you.)

(d) Proven on TV replay to be out of bounds.

(e) An Oakland Raider, a St. Louis Ram or a Los Angeles Bengal by next year’s quiz.