It’s a Rare Trip, so Enjoy It, Guys

All right, Miss Kelly B., time for another letter to a coach--this time to the head man of the Northwestern University Wildcats. I forget his name--Gary something or other. Burnett? No! Barnett! That’s it! They haven’t been here in a while and they might want some guidance. You know, places to go, things to see. that sort of thing.

“Dear Coach Barnett,

“Well, you’ve done it! Made the Rose Bowl! Who would have thought it? I mean, Northwestern is not supposed to go to a bowl game any more than Yale or Harvard. Yale never got here. And Harvard made it only once. Back in 1918.

“Of course, you guys only make it every 57 years yourselves. Afraid of wearing out your welcome?

“I’m a little unclear as to how you want to handle this, Coach. The thing is, I’m sure a group representing Northwestern will not be like Woody Hayes’ old Ohio State teams. Holed up in their hotel rooms, sequestered, segregated, marching to practice, forbidden to talk to the populace, spending New Year’s in a monastery.

“That won’t do for Northwestern, which is kind of a Harvard of the hayfields, will it now, Coach?

“I mean, you’ll want the students to sample the culture of the country they’re in, so to speak. Like, you wouldn’t go to France and not check out the Louvre or the Eiffel Tower or the vineyards.

“Your guys will probably want to visit the Huntington Library, right? Check out all those Shakespeare folios and the Gainsborough Blue Boy.

“By the way, discourage them from going out at night alone. I mean, you think a tough place to be is the Penn State two-yard-line, I can show them some areas that will make that look like a nice place for a picnic. I’d keep them off Sunset Boulevard after dark, too. Try alternate routes. Check Hugh Grant for particulars.

“Northwestern has a proud tradition in its school of theater. Charlton Heston, Ann-Margret came from there, right? So I know you’ll be interested to find yourself in the show business capital of the world. Only, your guys won’t just want to get Sharon Stone’s autograph or catch Brad Pitt shopping at some mall. You’ll want to visit the barn where Cecil B. DeMille and Jesse Lasky shot the first full-length motion picture, ‘The Squaw Man.’ Your guys will be interested in history, not net stockings.

“You’ll want to check out the museums. Absorb culture. You know, Hayes’ teams used to come out like an occupying army. They never fraternized. Woody thought Southern California was enemy territory, filled with smoke signals, spies, terrorists, guerrilla forces. He circled the wagons. Kept his team under lock and key. They might as well have been in Cincinnati.

“I don’t think he even let them look at the ocean. Chain gangs move around more than they did. Woody wouldn’t even drink the water. I think he had a team food taster. And the game wasn’t officially opened till he’d punched his first photographer.

“You don’t want that. Why don’t you take your team on a run over to Catalina while you’re here? The whales will start their migration any day now. See any whales in Evanston this time of year, do you?

“Oh, I know this won’t leave much time for practice, Coach, but look at it this way: You only have to play the Trojans. Now, correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t your guys beat Notre Dame this year? At Notre Dame? Coach, do you know how long it’s been since USC beat Notre Dame? Anywhere?

“And didn’t you guys beat Penn State? Do you know what the score was in the last meeting of Penn State and the Trojans? Try 38-14. And it wasn’t really that close.

“Now, Coach, this ‘Cinderella’ stuff makes good copy. I mean, that glass-slipper stuff looks great in the tabloids but we’re all big boys here, Coach, and I’ve looked over that team of yours and there’s nothing fairy tale about it. That running back you got. Autry? Tell me 100 schools weren’t looking to sign him up coming out of high school. How’d you get him, Coach? He’s from Tempe, Ariz., so don’t tell me he liked the weather in Chicago.

“Coach, just among us guys, we know you don’t put together a team that beats Notre Dame, Michigan and Penn State in the same season with walk-ons and premed students. So, spare me the fairy godmother crap.

“This team didn’t get to the Rose Bowl in a pumpkin pulled by mice. They got there with guys who run the 40 in 4.3, bench press a couple of tons and were probably wanted by a hundred coaches and a few police departments. Guys you had to arm-wrestle Nebraska or Oklahoma recruiters for. Guys who will be no threat at all to the school library but will keep the cops nervous.

“You got one thing going for you: It will be hard for SC to look over the line of scrimmage and not be grateful it isn’t the scarlet and gray of Ohio State they see. Let’s face it, Coach, Northwestern hasn’t scared anybody since Ara Parseghian left to coach Notre Dame. You know the drill. They let Penn State into the Big Ten without calling it the Big Eleven because they thought Northwestern would be dropping out any day now. Like Chicago did in the ‘30s. Admit it, Coach, SC is bound to be overconfident. That’s how you won all year, isn’t it? You’re not only used to being taken lightly, you count on it.

“Just trying to be helpful here, Coach. Part of my job. You’ve done an outstanding job with yours.

“When do you think you’ll be moving on to Notre Dame?”