LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Jay Leno, on former presidents Bush, Carter and Ford supporting Bill Clinton’s troop deployment in Bosnia: “It’s got to be comforting to know that three guys who couldn’t win reelection think you’re doing the right thing.”

Douglas Mortenson, on France rejoining the NATO military after a 30-year absence: “The French are a welcome addition. NATO forces were already the best-equipped and most experienced. Now, they have attitude.”

Argus Hamilton, on different rules of engagement for NATO troops in Bosnia: “For U.S. and British troops--fire when fired upon. For French troops--fire when ready. For German troops--Croatia and no farther.”

Jenny Church, on Clinton vetoing the Republican budget bill using the same pen that LBJ used to sign the bill that created Medicare: “That old pen can still produce a lot of red ink.”

* Adds Steve Tatham: “I wonder if he signed off on sending troops to Bosnia with the same pen that LBJ used to send troops to Vietnam.”

Leno, on Rep. Pat Schroeder announcing her retirement: “It’s nice for a change to see a woman calling a press conference to retire from Congress, instead of a congressman retiring because a woman is calling a press conference.”

Bob Mills, on the success of mail-in balloting for a senate election in Oregon: “The U.S. Postal Service was right on top of things, delivering 3,647 absentee ballots cast for Al Smith in 1936.”

Tony Peyser, on Michael Jackson collapsing while rehearsing: “Marcel Marceau, his guest on the HBO special, was so upset he was speechless.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on special dolls for Christmas: “Look for the O.J. Simpson doll. Robert Kardashian and other accessories sold separately.”

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In the Newt: The House Ethics Committee has voted to appoint an outside special counsel to investigate Speaker Gingrich:

* “It could actually save him. If he had accumulated any more corporate cash, he would have become a takeover target.” (Hamilton)

* “House Republicans deny they have been dragging their feet over the inquiry. Sources say, however, that during the past year, each member went through 61 pair of shoes.” (Peyser)

* “For a guy who told Barbara Walters that he doesn’t like his weight, Newt sure enjoys throwing it around.” (Cutler)

* “It’s hard to follow the scandals without a scorecard, so here’s an update: The Republicans have Hillary and the Democrats have Newt, and President Clinton won’t agree to a prisoner exchange.” (Hamilton)

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Hawthorne reader Douglas Krauss’ children were enjoying Christmas Eve festivities when it came time to put out cookies and milk for Santa. After the goodies were carefully arranged, Wesley, 5, asked:

“Won’t this make Santa hyper?”