NYPD Not Blue About Trophy Case

New York City police today announced a continued crackdown on trophy-related crime.

“We ain’t takin’ no chances,” Capt. X.U. O’Question said, in the wake of LaGuardia Airport’s having damaged the Heisman Trophy of football player Eddie George of Ohio State by insisting that the trophy be put through a security X-ray machine.

“These crooks, they’re sneaky. We coulda found anything inside that trophy. Just because some guy’s got a 35-pound bronze football player don’t mean he ain’t got no contraband inside.

“We put the dingus in the X-ray for security reasons, and we’d do it again. OK, so we broke off the little football player’s finger. Big deal. Go buy some Krazy Glue. Boo hoo. We’re here to serve and protect the people of New York.

“Lemme ask you somethin’. If you was smugglin’ jewels from some heist, wouldn’t you think the Heisman Trophy was a good place to hide the swag? Sure you would. You ain’t gonna hide it in some Big Brown Bag from Bloomin’dale’s, lemme tell ya.

“For all I know, that Heisman Trophy coulda been a fake. Coulda been made outta plastic. Crook says, ‘Let’s see. Where’s the last place them cops would look? I know! The Heisman Trophy!’ Then he runs down to one of them novelty shops on Broadway and buys one of them replica models for, like, $29.95. Like them little plastic Statue of Liberties.

“Next thing you know, guy comes strollin’ into LaGuardia, cool as can be, la-de-da, la-de-da, with this big hunk of bronze in his hands, like, ‘Yo, look at me, I won the Heisman Trophy here, how’s about that?’ And he expects you to put him right through, no X-ray, no nothin’.

“Like we was born yesterday. We ain’t idiots, you know.

“So our gal down by Gate 75, the one where the flight’s leavin’ for Columbus, Ohio, she says, ‘Sorry, pal. Stick that thing on the belt.’

“And the guy says, ‘My name’s Eddie George, from the Ohio State Buckeyes. And this here is the Heisman Trophy.’

“And our gal says, ‘Hey, pal, I don’t care if your name’s Hootie and you’re from the Blowfish. Stick that thing on the belt and empty your pockets.’

“We run a tight ship here. Nobody sneaks nothin’ past our people at LaGuardia, pal. Few weeks ago, some guy’s goin’ to Atlanta on a Delta flight, and he tries to bring three carry-on items on board. Says his name is Maddux and he don’t wanna check some ‘Cy Young Award’ like regular baggage, because it might get bent.

“Wise guy. We showed him. We threw that Cy Young thing in the cargo hold and stomped on it like a gorilla on a Samsonite.

“Heisman Trophy, my butt. We heard a million stories here. For all I know, this thing coulda been O.J. Simpson’s trophy, the one that got stolen out there in L.A. while O.J. was in the joint. Eddie George, I don’t know no Eddie George. O.J., I heard of.

“Now, if it was O.J. who came to LaGuardia packin’ his Heisman, hey, I wouldn’t have figured him for no smuggler. Our people probably woulda said, ‘Go right on through, there, Mr. S., and don’t run through our airport. Have a nice day.’

“But who’s Eddie George? Some guy playin’ in the Citrus Bowl, that’s who. I ain’t got time to call no Keith Jackson and say, ‘Yo, we got some guy here claims he won the Heisman Trophy. Can you vouch for him?’ No, we just run the trophy through the X-ray, then send Mr. Touchdown on his way.

“Am I sorry that we cracked the little bronze guy’s finger? Of course I am. I lost the left foot on my bowlin’ trophy once, and now the damn thing won’t stand up straight.

“So, on behalf of the people of New York City, I’d like to say that we are stickin’ a finger in the mail to Eddie George, first thing tomorrow mornin’. Officers Toody and Muldoon of our department were out all night, lookin’ for a place that sells little bronze fingers.

“But let me also issue a warnin’ to anybody comin’ into LaGuardia for the holidays. If you think we’ll go soft on travelers, just because you look like you’re carryin’ some trophy, you are sadly mistaken. That dame in England comes through here with her queen’s hat, hey, it’s goin’ through X-ray.

“Winnin’ some Heisman Trophy don’t necessarily make somebody no innocent guy. You people oughta know that.”