LAUGH LINES : PUNCHLINES

Ho: “So the jolly fat man with his bag full of goodies visited every home last night. That can only mean one thing: President Clinton’s reelection campaign has begun.” (Argus Hamilton)

“Here’s something kind of ironic. It looks like Clinton and Newt Gingrich got the same thing for Christmas: Subpoenas.” (Jay Leno)

“Clinton turned down Al D’Amato’s Christmas gesture. The senator had graciously offered to come to the White House and roast the president’s chestnuts on an open fire.” (Alex Pearlstein)

*

Ho, ho . . . Overheard on that first Christmas:

* “You brought myrrh. Didn’t any of you think to bring baby powder?”

* “OK, we’ll go see the newborn king. But we promised we’d stop by your mother’s first for dessert.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

*

Ho, ho, ho . . . “It turns out that there actually was a fourth Wise Man. But he was turned away for bringing a fruitcake.” (Hamilton)

“As we share our homes with loved ones, we are reminded of that first Christmas scene. After a couple days of relatives, the place starts to smell like a stable.” (Alan Ray)

“Christmas preparations could be classified as Emmanuel labor.” (Joe Dunn)

“Here’s a little tip if you’re just visiting here and not familiar with the area: The man in the red costume on Hollywood Boulevard looking for people to sit on his lap--he is not Santa.” (Leno)

“Several Hollywood starlets decided that it was too much work to trim their trees. So they had them liposuctioned.” (Cutler)

“Why does Santa land on rooftops each Christmas Eve? Because the UPS guy is always blocking the driveway.” (Ray)

“A gift psychologist says if your boss gives you bed linens for Christmas, it means he wants you as a lover. Either that or as a maid.” (Paul Steinberg)

“For Christmas, I got this great exercise machine. It came with its own dust and cobwebs already on it.” (Charlie Reinke)

“In most families, the exchanging of gifts actually lasts several days. On Christmas, we exchange them with relatives. On the day after, we exchange them at Bullock’s.” (Ray)

“Ever think Santa tells himself: ‘Next year it’s cash for everyone’?” (Cutler)

*

Several years ago, Carson reader M.R. Rosenlof took grandson Troy, then 8, to his union’s Christmas party. While Troy was on Santa’s lap, St. Nick slipped up and told the boy that he had gone to school with his father. Troy excitedly ran to his grandfather and said:

“Grandpa, Daddy went to school with Santa Claus.”