COMMITMENTS : The Art of the Gripe : No sense flying off the handle when the service is lousy or your partner annoys you. Where does it get you? Best to state the problem, say how you feel and offer a solution, experts say.

We all do it, on bad days much more often than on good ones.

We’re set off by weather, traffic, lousy food, long lines at the post office, irritating behavior by loved ones or strangers and other injustices.

While some are now struggling with a New Year’s vow to stop complaining--trying to become a lip-biting, take-it-all-in-stride type in 1996--mental health experts suggest an alternative plan. Learn to be an effective complainer instead of a miserable grouch who gets nowhere with the grousing.

Everybody complains, but only about 10% of us do it very well, says Marilyn Ruman, a clinical psychologist in Encino and Beverly Hills who often helps clients improve their complaining skills in relationships and business dealings.

“Complaining in the right way is very productive,” says Ruman, echoing the attitude of her colleagues and researchers.

Frequent complainers, in fact, were found to have higher self-esteem than those who griped less often in a study conducted by Robin Kowalski, an assistant professor of psychology at Western Carolina University in Cullowhee, N.C.

That finding was initially surprising to Kowalski, who has surveyed more than 400 complainers, but made sense after more investigation. These frequent complainers with high self-esteem, she says, have confidence in their ability to change others’ behavior via effective complaining.

Becoming an effective complainer, she says, hinges on a number of skills, including a very careful choice of words. The more specific a complaint, the better, says Kowalski. It’s only human nature to want to throw up our hands and say something all-encompassing such as “You just irritate me!” or “Everything I buy at this store is junk!”

But it’s much better, Kowalski says, to pinpoint the offensive behavior or product. (“Could you stop chewing ice chips while I’m trying to watch television?” “I’d like my money back on these jeans because they shrank.”)

Good complainers always tell the target of their complaint what they are feeling, what they need and what the other person needs to do, Ruman says.

Consider the long-suffering shopper who whined to her family that she had spent all day Christmas shopping. Instead of moaning about her mall marathon, says Ruman, she should express what’s behind her complaint--a need to feel appreciated for her work--and then suggest to a family member how to express appreciation, such as taking over the cooking chores.

Keeping your list to one or two complaints is a good idea, too, Kowalski says. “You’ll lose credibility if you go on and on.”

The length of a complaint is crucial. Talk too long, and the listener is likely to tune out. But it does take time, Kowalski says, for the complainer to fully express a complaint. And while the ultimate goal is to feel better, complainers should expect to feel worse for the first few minutes, Kowalski has also found in her research.

Complainers tell her they feel worse for the first five or 10 minutes after complaining. But soon most people feel better.

Complaints directed toward loved ones are best communicated in private, experts concur, as difficult as it may be to hold off. One woman, upset at her husband for mentioning her weight at a family dinner, was tempted to clobber him on the spot. Instead, she waited until they were alone before expressing her reaction, telling him, ‘I’m really angry that you told your mother my weight.” Then she suggested how she’d prefer the situation be handled, saying, “I’d prefer to keep this fact private.”

It sounds obvious, but complainers who want something changed should be realistic, advises Bob Ostash, a health-plan representative for Kaiser Permanente who fields about 10 “hard-core complaints” per day and numerous requests for assistance.

Among his most unrealistic complaints: a patient who griped about the location of the elevators in a new medical office building.

Tone and volume of a complainer’s voice help determine whether Ostash wants to help or not.

“An effective complainer comes in with a nice attitude,” he says. “They don’t come in screaming. I really want to give my all to someone who is rational, organized and tells me how to help them.”

Recently, an elderly patient found out his doctor’s appointment had been canceled because his physician was sick. He was offered another appointment for 10 days later. He appeared in Ostash’s office and told him calmly, “I don’t want to wait 10 days. I’m in pain and I want to see someone today.” Ostash found a canceled appointment time and got the man in to see a doctor in 10 minutes.

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Once complaining skills are mastered, of course, there’s the other side: fielding complaints directed at us.

The first step is coming to grips with the fact that people would actually find fault. In a study, M.L. Klotz, assistant professor of psychology at Susquehanna University in Pennsylvania, asked 300 subjects how often they complained about their partners--and how often they thought their partners complained about them. Respondents were partners, same-sex friends and opposite-sex friends.

“People underestimate how much their partners [or friends] complain about them,” she says, with the exception of female friends, who estimated more accurately.

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When listening to a complaint--whether targeted at us or the weather--it helps to know that men and women often have different expectations when it comes to responses, Kowalski says.

“Women, when complaining, are looking for a supportive response,” she says. “They like to hear comments such as ‘I understand.’ or ‘I’ve felt that way, too.’ Men are looking for a solution.”

But Klotz thinks both men and women are looking for a bit of each response.

“People like to get problem-focused responses, such as ‘Let me help you figure out what’s wrong.’ But they like it sugar-coated. They want acknowledgment of the complaint, such as ‘It sounds like you are really upset.’ ”