LAUGH LINES : Getting Good Mileage From a Truck Review

Recently, I poked a bit of fun at a Boston Globe automobile review. The author said he had been promised a $64,000 red Jaguar to test drive but had to settle for a $64,000 blue Jaguar. He nearly became clinically depressed.

I commiserated with him--to some extent.

But this is a brand-new year. And I hereby vow never, ever to poke fun at another Boston Globe car review.

So today, in keeping with that promise, I will make fun of a Boston Globe truck review.

This review, transmitted by the New York Times news service, came with the terrific added attraction of--and this is a technical newspaper phrase--”not being edited.”

Example: “It is not carklike exactly but it is a truck wirth finesse, a roomy covilized vehicle that may cause suspicion amon the diehards . . . “

I believe I speak for all of us when I say that amon the experts, this is the kind of thing--together wirth other factors--that contributes to the breakdown of covilization!

Another example: “A . . . V-8 is to ber available in the autrumn of ’96.”

A ber, as you know, is a big shaggy animal that causes havoc. For instance, Yogi Ber. And an autrumn is the big room with lots of glass that Texans walk through as they enter their houses.

But let us look beyond all the misspelle . . . the misssple . . . the mispppel . . . the goofs in the review and focus on the main question: Should I buy a Ford F150 pickup or just stay right here on my comfy sofa with a sack of Chee-tos for another couple months?

“The ’96 pickup, you see, is more of the same and that sameness has been the best-selling vehicle on the continent for more years than this columnist cares to remember,” the reviewer wrote in the part of the story that was decipherable without a Captain Marvel decoder ring.

To this I might add, “Ranchers accusing me of teaching roosters the importance of condom use has been common on the continent for more years than this columnist cares to remember.”

Of course, I never had a getaway car like the Ford F150 pickup.

The writer continued: “The standard engine offering is a 4.2-litre, V-6 delivering 205 horsepower at 4000 rpm, 210 at 5000 and 255 ft/lb of torque at 3000 rpm.”

By way of scientific comparison, Chee-tos offer 37 grams of fat per handful, 58 per armload and if you consume a six-pound bag each day for a year, a very nice “plumber’s bike rack” when you bend over.

More from the Globe review: “Your columnist has driven a number of F150 pickups off road and on for relatively short distances and has lived a week of winter with an F150 regular cab XLT. Vive le difference.”

Now properly inspired, I offer: “This columnist has lived in the backs of a number of station wagons as his brilliant career unfolded, and clearly rates the 1973 Buick Roadmaster as the most comfortable to sleep in. Vive le two warm dogs.”

This is not to say the truck is unsafe: “Unlike GM, Ford has elected to secure the rear shoulder belts to the body of the truck,” according to the review.

Repeated studies in the leading vehicle safety laboratories show that this approach to injury prevention is clearly a step up from the design of the Yugo, in which each rear shoulder belt is bolted to a medium-sized Cornish game hen.

And how does the Ford F150 handle--and I mean in 4-wheel drive and 2-wheel drive--you are probably asking? “Handling in either configuration is quite good; the truck goes where it is pointed,” the review says.

There is little disagreement among automotive experts that even with a fancy paint job and authentic rubber floor mats, few consumers will purchase a truck or a passenger car if it does not go “where it is pointed.” (The Yugo is an exception, as consumers have rallied around its official slogan: “It goes where the tow truck takes it.”)

And the interior? “The ‘bay window’ offers a couple of inches extra room that allows more space to adjust seat rake,” the review informs.

Well, I’m no auto writer. But if you ask me, I’d take the rake entirely out of the cab before I sat down.