‘Two If by Sea’ Sails Through Choppy Water

Sandra Bullock, just named the female star of the year by the National Society of Theater Owners, is probably the most-wanted star in today’s movie business, the actress on the top of everyone’s list. So when Warner Bros. attempts to hide her newest film, “Two If by Sea,” by declining to screen it for critics, you can figure it must be pretty bad.

It is.

Not bad in the aggressive, ambitious, over-the-top way that “Showgirls” epitomized. “Two If by Sea” is more like a zero, an inert lump of a movie with so little going on that fidgety viewers can sneak out for a hot dog or some popcorn and return without fear of having missed anything significant.

Bullock and co-star Denis Leary (who also co-wrote with Mike Armstrong) became pals on the set of “Demolition Man” and this project was apparently planned before Bullock’s naturalness and likability in “Speed” and “While You Were Sleeping” made her an audience favorite.

What that audience will think about Bullock here is questionable. The actress effectively hides many of her strongest qualities behind a grating, unconvincing New York accent as Roz, a checkout girl at Barnes & Noble who begins to fear she’s thrown her life away by maintaining a seven-year relationship with a small-time loser.

That would be Frank (Leary), an inept thief who has somehow managed to steal a prized Matisse. He and Roz hide from the heat in a posh New England enclave, where she catches the eye of Evan Marsh (Stephen Dillane), a suave type with a tony accent who appeals to Roz’s weakness for the finer things in life.

Meanwhile, when word of the painting’s value hits the news, it reawakens the attention of Beano (Wayne Robson), Frank’s criminal boss, and Agent O’Malley of the FBI (Yaphet Kotto), who thinks the heist may be a link to a legendary art thief named Phil the Shill that everyone but O’Malley thinks is dead.

Weakly directed by Australian Bill Bennett, “Two If by Sea” tries to be a comedy, a romance and a caper movie, and fails with a thud in every department. The film’s core concept, that audiences would be charmed to eavesdrop on the tedious, nonstop bickering between Frank and Roz, is significantly off the mark.

The same goes for Leary’s performance. Gone is anything but the merest trace of the edge that formerly marked his work and that gave parts of “The Ref” a brisk energy. Here Leary gets most of his laughs by falling down and looking seasick. A feeling audiences will end up sharing.

* MPAA rating: R for language. Times guidelines: Some chaste moments of romance.

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‘Two If by Sea’

Denis Leary: Frank

Sandra Bullock: Roz

Stephen Dillane: Evan Marsh

Yaphet Kotto: O’Malley

Mike Starr: Fitzie

A Morgan Creek production, released by Warner Bros. Director Bill Bennett. Producer James G. Robinson. Executive producers Gary Barber, Bill Todman Jr. Screenplay Denis Leary and Mike Armstrong, from a story by Denis Leary, Mike Armstrong and Ann Lembeck. Cinematographer Andrew Lesnie. Editor Bruce Green. Costumes Olga Dimitrov. Music Nick Glennie-Smith and Paddy Moloney of The Chieftans. Production design David Chapman. Art director Mark Haack. Set decorator Steven Shewchuk. Running time: 1 hour, 36 minutes.

In general release throughout Southern California.