Punch Lines

In the news: Pat Buchanan upset Phil Gramm in the Louisiana caucuses. Argus Hamilton says the Gramm people tried everything to keep Buchanan’s supporters away from the polls. “They even scheduled a Klan rally on the other side of town.”

* Adds Tony Peyser, “Insiders are calling the victory a step in the ultra-right direction.”

When Bob Dole appeared on MTV and at Dartmouth recently, Hamilton says, the senator tried to appear hip by showing up in a pair of Calvins. “Unfortunately, they were Calvin Coolidges.”

Vandalism and geological shifts have threatened the reliability of Yellowstone’s Old Faithful. Says Bill Williams, “With Ross Perot popping up every four years, we really won’t miss it.”

As the pope tours Central America this week, each government is paying tribute in a special way. Says Alan Ray, “In El Salvador, he’s being made an honorary member of the CIA.”

A federal court has ruled that marijuana use in religious ceremonies is legal. Ray says the repercussions could be dramatic. “It’ll change the team prayer in the Yankees locker room considerably.”

A new study has drawn a link between lead in one’s system and a tendency toward violence. Says Johnny Robish, “So now you know that when you choose your friends, make them unleaded.”

In a survey, 74% of Americans older than 25 believe they are too fat. Says Alex Kaseberg, “The other 26% say they are just too short for their weight.”

Caltrans is busily adding diamond lanes to freeways, but Phil Willen says they’ll never put one in the McClure Tunnel. “There’s too much concern about people getting Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome.”

Charlie Reinke asks, what would you get if the Mormons took over Starbucks? “The Church of Latte-Day Saints.”

Fashion designer Donna Karan will advertise on Indy race cars this year. Jerry Perisho says she has also created a special fragrance for her racing team. “Guys, after a tough day behind the wheel, just splash on some 10w40 Parfum de Bardahl and the ladies will ‘start their engines!’ ”

To hype the video release of “Pocahontas,” Disney is sending Valentines to 10,000 guys named John Smith. “Disney located most of them by checking the guest registers at cheap motels,” says Premiere Morning Sickness.

ABC’s new series “Before They Were Stars” isn’t a hit, but Peyser says Fox is planning a similar show with a little more edge, called “Before They Were Has-Beens.”

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Reader Albert Grandmaison of Lake Elsinore says his son Justin, 9, asked him what a scholarship was. He explained athletic and academic scholarships. What if you don’t get one? Justin wondered. So Dad explained tuition. Justin summed things up:

“So if you don’t get a scholarship and you don’t have tuition, it’s called ‘you wishin’.’ ”