Punch Lines

Hold the Olestra: President Clinton signed the telecommunications bill that, among many other things, requires new TV sets to have a “V chip” that lets parents screen out violent shows. The Cutler Daily Scoop is working on a few other chips:

* The Aunt Bea Chip: Blocks reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show.”

* The Heavy D Chip: Blocks rap videos.

* The CHiPS Chip: Blocks any program starring Erik Estrada.

* The Chocolate Chip: Blocks anything that could tempt you to break your diet.

* The J Chip: Blocks late-night programs by guys with big jaws.

* The O.J. Chip: Well, you know.

* Block out old movies? The Goodbye Mr. Chip.

That law also attempts to outlaw indecent material on the Internet. Says Steve Tatham, “I guess you’ll no longer be able to get copies of the Republicans’ Medicare proposals.”

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Also in the news: Phil Gramm’s candidacy is in trouble. Says Alan Ray, “You know your campaign isn’t going well when the only media attention you get is from ‘Rescue 911.’ ”

Steve Forbes has spent $18 million on his presidential campaign and he’s ahead in the polls. Argus Hamilton says an awful thought just hit Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones: “For what he’s paid Deion Sanders, he could be leading in New Hampshire.”

What to call the Seattle Seahawks if they actually do move to L.A. but leave their name behind? Suggests Ken Wilkins, “Since they have the habit of coming and going, how about the California Gray Whales?”

The Senate passed a bill that would phase out most farm subsidies by the year 2002. After that, says Paul Ecker, “Old MacDonald will be singing ‘E-I-E-I-O-U.’ ”

* He adds, “The government will notify farmers that they’re being dumped by sending them a John Deere letter.”

Accusing America and Britain of cultural imperialism, France has a new law requiring that 40% of all songs on the radio be sung in French. Says Hamilton, “Those ingrates. If it weren’t for us, 100% of their songs would be sung in German.”

This week brought National Hangover Awareness Day. Says Cutler, “The hangover you’re aware of. It’s how you got it that’s often the mystery.”

Four kittens born at the San Onofre nuclear power plant showed high levels of radioactivity. Says Jenny Church, “Scientists are concerned that they might mew-tate.”

* Adds Alex Pearlstein, “As with all proud parents, the mother cat was really glowing.”

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When Howard and Anneliese Baral’s cat, Sparkle, did not return from the veterinarian after being hit by a car, their daughter Romy, 5, asked, “Where’s Sparkle?” They told her Sparkle was in cat heaven. Romy looked confused and said:

“I thought she was dead.”