Punch lines
Pass the V-chips: Television executives promised President Clinton they’d come up with a rating system for TV shows:
* “Soon, instead of having to watch the whole show, I’ll know right up front if there’s any nudity.” (Jay Leno)
* “It’s fairly simple. Family entertainment will be labeled ‘G.’ Gratuitous sex and violence will be labeled ‘Fox.’ ” (Alan Ray)
* “There’ll be four categories: ‘General,’ ‘Mature,’ ‘Adults Only’ and the strictest one, ‘When Madonna Is a Guest on Letterman.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)
* “Ratings will include ‘CMI’ (this show’s so bad the Commercials Are More Interesting); ‘NMST’ (ratings are low so the male and female leads dive between the sheets, meaning No More Sexual Tension); ‘UTSC’ (Usual Talk Show Crap); ‘MHB’ (this week’s special guest star is a Movie Has-Been trying to restart a career); and ‘PBSBS’ (it’s pledge-drive time on public television).” (Gary Easley)
* “To show they’re serious about reducing violence on TV, ABC will change the name of ‘Murder One’ to ‘Aggravated Assault.’ ” (Tony Peyser)
* “The discussion on improving TV quality reached a hasty end, because it was almost time for ‘Baywatch.’ ” (Jenny Church)
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In the news: In a survey of 1,000 teachers, a publishing group learned that many schoolbooks are outdated. Says Jerry Perisho, “Some of them are so old that they say Tony Bennett is a singing sensation, ‘Batman’ is popular entertainment, and Bob Dole is a presidential candidate.”
The federal government plans to investigate Louis Farrakhan’s recent trip to Libya and Iran. Asks Ray, “If he wants to visit places where everybody hates Washington, why doesn’t he just Discover America?”
DuPont is cutting 1,500 jobs to make its nylon business more competitive. Asks Church, “More competitive? Does that mean its pantyhose will run faster?”
A civil suit against “The Jenny Jones Show,” sparked by the slaying of one of her guests due to revelations made on the show, will be going to trial. Says Steve Tatham, “To find a jury of her peers they’re going to have to dredge the swamps, the Ricki Lakes, the Richard Beys. . . .”
The San Diego Padres and New York Mets will play a baseball game in Mexico in August. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Padres and Mets? Ross Perot was right--there will be a giant sucking sound coming from Mexico.”
* Adds Argus Hamilton, “They have to play there because of the GOP convention in San Diego. It’s risky. If Pat Buchanan is the nominee, the teams might not be able to get back in.”
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Reader Vickie Roberts of Norwalk and her son Matthew, 6, were driving along a freeway through an industrial area. Matthew was asking Mom what was manufactured in each building. As they passed a factory with large smokestacks spewing out billows of white smoke, he pointed excitedly and said:
“Look, Mom! That’s where they make clouds!”