LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

Rescue Canine-1-1: In New Hampshire, an Irish setter named Lyric speed-dialed 911 and barked for help when her owner’s oxygen mask came unplugged, thus saving the owner’s life:

* “Nobody was more surprised than the dog. She was really trying to order a pizza.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “Even more amazing, when the 911 operator put her on hold the dog knew to wait . . . and wait . . .” (Brad Halpern)

* “What do you get when you cross this dog with Snoop Doggy Dogg? A rapper with a decent Lyric.” (Paul Ecker)

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In the news: With Metallica topping the Lollapalooza tour and Bob Dole heading for the GOP nomination, the most-used word of 1996 is “alternative,” says Matt Rosney. “It’s usually heard in the phrase ‘Isn’t there some. . . .’ ”

The Cutler Daily Scoop says Dole was so tickled with the Super Tuesday results that he broke into a wide grimace.

* Adds Ecker, “After Super Tuesday, Steve Forbes is throwing in the towel--along with the silk robe and Aramis toiletries.”

* Adds Alex Pearlstein, “Pat Buchanan should get one of his peasants to stick a pitchfork in him. He’s done.”

That last rainstorm to sweep through Southern California created so much mud, says Jenny Church, “The ground seemed like one big campaign commercial.”

The NBA suspended Denver’s Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf for refusing to stand during the national anthem. Says Argus Hamilton, “For $2.6 million a year, you’d think he could fake it for two minutes a night. Princess Di did.”

A 130-page National English Standards document has been written to guide teachers. Says Joe Kevany, “It’s not a good sign when most teachers are waiting for the Cliffs Notes.”

* Adds Cutler, “We do need higher standards. Most students these days think a diphthong is something Pamela Lee wears to the beach.”

On TV’s “20 / 20” this Friday, prosecutor Chris Darden admits that he and Marcia Clark did indeed become involved during the Simpson trial. Says Jay Leno, “He doesn’t actually call it sex. He just says they exchanged DNA. There’s a new slogan in the district attorney’s office: ‘Conjugal visits--they’re not just for jurors anymore.’ ”

A man in prison donated a lifesaving kidney to his daughter. Says Mills, “Not to be outdone, F. Lee Bailey donated a dorsal fin to Alan Dershowitz.”

Among the items to be auctioned from the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis estate, says Mills, is a gold-encrusted, diamond-studded Marilyn Monroe dartboard.

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Reader Charles Wolin of Highland Park, Ill., was driving with wife Lynnae and son Dylan, 4, on a rainy evening. A car pulled out of a side road and cut him off. Dad went into a tirade about women drivers, screaming at the other driver until Dylan said:

“Dad, I think she could hear you better if you open your window.”