Punch Lines

Doled out: Bob Dole is resigning from the Senate to throw himself into the presidential race full time:

* “That’s one down, 99 to go.” (Larry Swerdlow)

* “This way he is no longer responsible for the actions of Congress. That’s the smartest move since Heidi Fleiss told her girls they’re on their own.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Didn’t any of his handlers think to tell him it was too early to quit his day job?” (Barbara “Chuckles” Chuck)

* “This means instead of staying in Washington, spending money and saying nasty things about President Clinton, he’ll be traveling the country, raising money and saying nasty things about President Clinton.” (Paul Ryan)

* “He said he’s either going to the White House or home to Kansas. Pat Buchanan was spotted clicking his heels together and muttering, ‘There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home . . . ‘ “ (Swerdlow)

* “Aides talked him out of closing his speech with, ‘You won’t have Bob Dole to kick around anymore.’ ” (Bob Mills)

* “In a related story, Dole’s campaign was grounded by the FAA. Investigators pronounced it wooden, rambling and unable to generate lift.” (Richard Acello)

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In the news: Paula Jones’ sexual harassment suit against President Clinton has reached the U.S. Supreme Court. Says Jay Leno, “Imagine, this case could be decided by Clarence Thomas. Talk about a jury of your peers!”

A study shows that infertile men usually do not pass on their infertility to their offspring. Notes Gary Easley, “In fact, they usually don’t pass on much of anything to their offspring.”

Most gas stations have revised their car-wash instructions, says Alan Ray. “They now read ‘Step 1: soak the customer.’ ”

A marijuana museum recently opened in England. Asks Ryan, “Wouldn’t you love to be running the candy counter in its gift shop?

Marge Schott has done it again, telling Sports Illustrated, “I don’t like it when [Asians] come here, stay so long, then outdo our kids. That’s not right.” Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “I guess we can rule out Hideo Nomo Night at Riverfront Stadium.”

The movie “Flipper,” about a friendly dolphin, opens today. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Its producers are already at work on the tragic sequel, ‘Starkist.’ ”

Francis Ford Coppola will produce a four-hour miniseries of “Moby Dick.” Says Bill Williams, “Coppola said there’s a whale of a part in it for Marlon Brando.”

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Reader Stewart Ferguson of Adelanto recalls driving on the freeway with his daughter, Julie, and her best friend Shawna years ago when they were about 6 years old. Julie was holding her hands up as if she were driving. Very seriously, Shawna declared, “It’s a good thing they put the steering wheel on that side of the car.” Why’s that? Ferguson asked.

“Because if they put it on this side, the passenger would have to drive.”