Lift up the shirt a little, you sweaty beast you. What’s going on under there, anyway? Six-pack abs and buns of steel? Behemoth pecs that scare buttons out of their holes? Or, my friend, are we talking war between flesh and belt?
In a town ruled by the Uberbodied, survival of the fittest is often the law of the land. Where do you stand? Well, have we got a quiz for you.
1. “Jack.” Quick! First thing that comes to mind:
c) In the Box
2. What happens when you wake up and it’s pouring?
a) You bound out of bed craving your endorphin rush and go for an extra long run, thankful the downpour will cool off all that heat you’re generating.
b) You zip up the waterproof jogging suit you just bought, tie the hood shut and snap the cuffs closed. Who can move in this ridiculous get-up, you wonder, much less risk being seen? You take a rain check.
c) You think of Noah . . . as in bagels.
3. How big is one thigh?
a) 32 inches of pure freaky mass.
b) 18 inches of bad-to-the-bone aerobicized limb.
c) About the size of your fist unless you deep fry it with the drumstick still attached.
4. How often do you frequent a health club?
a) You’re a regular rat, you, hitting the gym at least once a day to do power bar lunches and talk in tongues--ugh, grunt, and yes, ugabooga--with your hard-bodied cronies. In fact, you’re there now reading this on the stairmonster after lifting every barbell in the joint.
b) You let your gym membership lapse, but you’ve kept up with the thumb wrestling.
c) Gym? You don’t need no stinkin’ gym.
5. You can do 10 pull-ups, right?
a) No problem.
b) Only if a cute someone is watching.
c) Only if four Dobermans are snarling at your heels.
6. When it comes to exercise videos:
a) You have Elle Macpherson’s tape, Cindy Crawford’s, Rachel Hunter’s and all of Claudia Schiffer’s Perfectly Fit series, too.
b) You stay away from any title with “blast,” “max,” “dyna” or “power” in it. “Jamaica Me S’wet” sounds more your style (reggae, rum, slow, ya dig?), and one of your personal faves is “Body Song, Oceans of Joy,” which is “designed to be kind to the body.”
c) Your fitness video collection sits under the ficus tree, where it’s doing more for the pot than it ever did for your pot belly.
7. What was your most rewarding workout during the last month?
a) Squeezing a lump of coal into a diamond. Oh, Clark. . . .
b) ". . . Sky rockets in flight, afternoon dee-li-i-ight.”
c) Running to the store twice on the same day because the first time you forgot the cigarettes.
8. On a company hike you would be:
a) Three peaks ahead of the rest, way up high on a lonely mountain yodellay-hee-hoo-ing for good measure.
b) Huffing and puffing up the trail like the Little Engine That Could. Thankfully the department manager is monologuing so you don’t have to waste any extra breath talking.
c) The one making friends with the paramedics, arguing the virtues of Demerol versus Percodan. The view’s not quite as good from the stretcher, but at least you’re off your feet.
9. You arrive at LAX with five minutes to get to your flight:
a) You catapult out of the cab, leap over crowds, hurdle the luggage check and slide into the gate just as they’re making the final boarding call. And you’re not even out of breath.
b) You donate your pumps to the Hare Krishna and stroll through the terminal. It must have been good karma--your plane is so late you make the flight.
c) For the love of lard, you can barely lift your suitcase up to the curb. After a mandatory rest, you hijack the porter’s luggage cart, roll on into the nearest cocktail lounge and order a double-olive martini while watching your plane take off. What better to do when you’re fit to be tied, than tie one on?
Scoring: (a) 3 points; (b) 2 points; (c) 1 point.
20-27 points: Holy Kryptonite, you’re flying-cape material.
15-19 points: Ah, fit as a fiddle. Maybe you can’t dead-lift 400 pounds, but you’re a well-ventricled bundle of voltage, ready to climb every Stairmaster and conquer every crunch.
10-14 points: You’ve tried to get in touch with that inner ninja of yours, but it’s just so hard to find under all the emotional flabbage.
9 points: Oh, heck, just forget it. Yeah, really.