Fireworks Here, There Everywhere

Hey, fans, the Colorado Rockies come to Dodger Stadium this week for a four-game series beginning Thursday, so bring your whole family, sit back in a comfortable outfield seat . . . and duck! You just might get hit with a fair ball.

Bring helmets, butterfly nets, face masks, flak jackets, chest protectors, shinguards, cups, Wonderbras, bushel baskets, Mike Piazza-model gloves, Johnnie Cochran-model gloves, any extra protection that will help you when the homer storm hits. Stand under a doorway. Bring an umbrella. It’s gonna be rainin’ Rawlings this week in Chavez Ravine.

Although I can practically guarantee you that the scores will not be 13-1, 13-4, 13-10 and 16-15, as they were last weekend at Coors Field in run-drunk Denver, I do feel responsible for warning you that when the Dodgers and Rockies get together, baseballs could be headed for your head.

Here are some promotions the Dodgers should consider:

--To any pitcher who doesn’t surrender a home run, a free Toyota.

--Free tickets to every fan for every Chad Fonville grand slam.

--If the score is 25-25 after five hours, the game will be decided on penalty kicks.

--Dante Bichette agrees to wash any Dodger pitcher’s car who keeps him from homering in consecutive at-bats.

--Toll-free bullpen phone service for Managers Bill Russell and Don Baylor, this series only.

--Unlimited substitution, soon as each side scores 20th run.

--Pitcher may: (a) Spit on baseball; (b) use Vaseline; (c) use pocketknife; (d) spit at batter; (e) throw from 50 feet, 6 inches; (f) drill holes into baseball with Black & Decker power tool; (g) pretend to pitch baseball while catcher pounds mitt to fool umpire; (h) smear rosin on ball; (i) smear raisins on ball; (j) say things about batter’s girlfriend or wife; (k) wear gold chains that reflect sun; (l) shine mirror into batter’s eyes; (m) wear coal-miner’s lamp on cap; (n) ask umpire for “Mulligan” on ball four; (o) signal catcher to give “wedgie” to batter; (p) consider a scoreless first inning a “quality start;” (q) divide earned-run average by half, then add one; (r) position seven fielders along warning track; (s) force one batter per inning to swing one-handed; (t) enjoy a cold Coors between extra-base hits; (u) leave park to drive child to school, should game not be over yet; (v) remove foul poles; (w) erect Blue Monster left-field fence; (x) replace usual Rawlings ball with new Brunswick brand; (y) have first baseman hold runner close by grabbing belt with free hand; (z) brush back batters at any time, even those in on-deck circle, this series only.

--Souvenir baseballs, if there are any left.

--Raul Mondesi and Andres Galarraga to be permitted only two strikes per strikeout, but need five balls for base on balls.

--No Colorado home run will count if ball leaves park on checked swing, unlike games in Denver.

--If, at any time, Dodgers are in danger of blowing 13-run lead, television set of Tom Lasorda must be switched off, immediately or replaced with tape of Game 1 of 1988 World Series.

--”You Be the Announcer” promotion, after Vin Scully runs screaming from park in 18th inning of 38-38 tie.

--Plus more surprises for you and your kids!

I have seen a lot of big-league baseball games in my day, and the ones last week in Colorado were not among them. That wasn’t baseball; that was T-ball. I’ve seen pregame batting practices with more strikeouts. I swear to you, Vinny Castilla bunted for a three-run homer. I think Eric Karros hit one using a Big Bertha three-wood.

There were 85 runs, 122 hits, 25 homers and 6,998 loud fouls, in a four-game series. The Rockies got three homers apiece from Galarraga, Castilla, Bichette and center Dikembe Mutombo. A small child from Boulder went up to Don Baylor for an autograph and pinch-hit an RBI double into the left-field gap. Piazza stepped to the plate at one point, and two couples on a ski lift in Aspen covered their heads, just in case.

I haven’t seen cowhide fly like this since “Twister.” I had an image of third-base coach Joey Amalfitano trying to decide whether to signal the batter to homer, triple or merely double. When they call Denver the “mile-high” city, they mean that’s how high baseballs get hit.

It won’t be that way at Dodger Stadium (will it?). Our air isn’t thin; it’s thick.

But be prepared, just in case. When the Dodgers and Rockies are at bat, no one is safe.