Teenage Boys Get a Lesson in Fatherhood at Retreat

Though he has a soft, youthful face, 15-year-old Steven is trying hard to be a man and a father.

It’s important, he says, to provide for his 8-month-old baby and young girlfriend. So, when he couldn’t find a job, he started robbing people for cash. He got busted and spent a few months in jail. Now that he is out, he wants to find another way to provide for his family.

This weekend, Steven and 26 other boys from Oxnard and Santa Paula will learn about the other ways, about male responsibility and about becoming a man.

The Male Responsibility Program, sponsored by El Concilio del Condado de Ventura, involves four days of open and intense discussion about self-esteem, teen pregnancy and fatherhood.

The retreat in a campground near Bakersfield, at a total cost of $12,000, is funded mainly by the state Office of Family Planning. Unlike a program last year that took on such issues as violence, dating and substance abuse, this year’s camp concentrates only on teen pregnancy. And it is open only to boys--some of them already fathers.

As the program started Thursday morning at the Oxnard Community Center, the youths were painfully shy with each other, barely raising their glance above floor level. Most were distrustful of each other since on the street many are enemies. By midafternoon, they were engaged in lively discussions about racial tensions, having babies and caring for their girlfriends.

Two guest speakers helped start the discussion, telling about the hardships of teen pregnancy. Delilah Sapien’s 16-year-old daughter had a baby two years ago. Sapien and her husband took their daughter and granddaughter, who were left alone by the baby’s father, into their home. They have become financial providers for the girl and the baby.

Sapien’s anger and frustration were palpable.

“If you boys are going to be out there having sex, the least you can do is be responsible,” said Sapien, adding that the baby’s father visited once with a bag of diapers and has not seen his child since.

“If you are man enough to have sex, be man enough to face the consequences. A bag of diapers won’t help.”

Taking responsibility for their actions involves a lot of commitment and sacrifice, said Jaime Olivares, a 21-year-old camp volunteer and Planned Parenthood community organizer.

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Although he is trying to do the right thing by living with his 19-month-old baby and 21-year-old girlfriend, he says he is not in love with the child’s mother. The pregnancy was not planned and he is yearning to go out and meet other women.

But, he said, “I don’t know how to be a good father without being there for [my girlfriend]. Now I stay home, take care of [the baby], feed her, give her baths. I go out maybe once or twice a month and I don’t stay out all night.”

Xochitl Gomez, 23, told the boys her story about teen pregnancy.

At 17, she had a baby. She and the father, her boyfriend since junior high school, broke up three years ago.

“It’s hard, let me tell you,” said Gomez, whose daughter is now 6 years old. “He got into raves and girls with miniskirts. He does not visit [the baby]. He didn’t call her on her birthday or on her first day of school. She is going to remember that. Children remember.”

One 16-year-old boy, Victor, said he remembers his father’s absences. Victor said he grew up virtually alone.

“I’ve been by myself a lot,” said Victor, who also attended last year’s program and is looking forward to this weekend. “My dad has never been there for me. He can never make up for that, but he is still my dad.”

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These boys, ranging from ages 14 to 17, have had few if any male role models. Many have been in trouble with the law, are involved in gangs and come from dysfunctional families.

Although four days of camp with male counselors will not resolve a lifetime of neglect and abuse in many cases, the seminars can plant a seed for these boys, said Mark Charley, group leader.

“These young men are getting insights into who they really want to be in life,” Charley said. “We want them to walk away thinking about the consequences of their actions so they don’t perpetuate the cycles of men not being responsible for who they are.”

Steven says he is ready to learn those lessons.

“I want to be able to support my baby without robbing people,” said Steven, adding that he would like to be a role model for his son, Steven Jr. “I’ve been trying to find a job. I wouldn’t want him to grow up without knowing his father.”

On Thursday, when they met for the first time at the Oxnard Community Center, the boys got a taste of what their weekend would be like.

Ground rules were set.

Punishment was discussed for people who did not follow the rules: Drink booze, do drugs or get in a fight at camp and you will be sent home.

Gang and territorial debates would be left at the doorstep of the community center. The campground, Charley informed these boys, would be sacred ground.

The boys, he hopes, will come away from the weekend feeling like they have bonded.

“We are going to have some straight conversations about what it is to be a man,” Charley said. “The most powerful place that can come from is a man. American culture has shifted so much from focusing on the community to the individual. We have lost sight of those rites of passage from childhood to adulthood.”