Here’s the Deal: Guy Walks Up to This Car Salesman . . .
We all have fantasies.
I’m thinking of one now. It involves me, a car salesman and that shiny new roadster I need now that my totaled Toyota is pushing up daisies. My fantasy begins with me striding onto the lot and instead of ducking down behind cars to avoid one, I make a beeline for a salesman. No longer the Neville Chamberlain of car buying, I welcome the engagement.
Salesman: Hi, need some help?
Me: Not really. How about you?
Salesman: Excuse me?
Me: Are you in the business of selling cars, or did you buy that “Salesman of the Month” button you’re wearing at a novelty shop?
Salesman (temporarily knocked off his pins): Yes, sir, I sell cars. By the way, I’m Richard (extends his hand).
Me: Hi, I’m John Doe. I bought a car once, Richard, and the negotiations lasted longer than Wagner’s “Ring of the Nibelung.” I’m not going through that again.
Salesman: I understand.
Me: By the way, Richard, let’s see the photos of the wife and kids now, just to get it over with.
(Richard pulls them out of his wallet, sheepishly shows them). Me: Uh-huh. Very nice. The kids are darling. What are they, about 2, 4 and 7? Now, can we get down to business?
Salesman: Sure. Were you looking at something in particular?
Me: Yes, this red car I’ve been resting against since we began talking, the one with the sticker price more inflated than a balloon in the lead float in the Macy’s Day Parade.
Salesman: Nice car. Gets lots of attention. I wouldn’t expect it to be around long.
Me: I was here 10 days ago. So was it. Apparently, people are able to resist it.
Salesman: Uh, we might be able to work with you a little on that sticker price. Were you looking to buy something today?
Me: You’re quite a little detective, aren’t you, Richard? What tipped you off, that egg-on-wheels that I drove in here?
Salesman: What would it take to sell you?
Me: For starters, let’s whack about five grand off that sticker, just so I know you’re not playing me for a stooge.
Salesman: Oh, I can’t go that low. This is a very popular model right now, and----
Me: Richard, it’s been a treat. Got to run. Give my best to the wife and kids and good luck to you.
(I turn and begin walking away.)
Salesman: Uh, wait! Truth is, we’ve had a great month around here, so I might have some wiggle room. You’ve got the five thousand.
Me (patting him on the shoulder): Richard, you’re showing me something. All right, let’s start the serious negotiating. Are you sure you’re up for this? You look a little pale? Could I offer you some bottled water?
Salesman: I’m fine.
Me: OK. Here’s how it works. You don’t tell me that you need a sale to keep your job, and I don’t tell you I’ve just come through a bad stretch and am worried about making payments. You don’t tell me I look like a nice guy and you want to work with me, and I don’t tell you I promised the dealer down the street I’d come back to see if he could beat your offer. It’s just you and me, Richard, no jive, man to man. Whaddya say?
Salesman (gulping): Let’s go for it.
Me: My offer is seventeen-five, not a penny more or less.
Richard: Oh, that’s impossible.
Me: No, it isn’t impossible. It’s extremely possible. It’s so possible you’re going to go into your manager and tell him to accept it if he wants to sell this car.
Richard: He’d never let me sell it for that.
Me: Richard, are you trying to insult me? You aren’t selling it. The dealership is. So run in there like a pup with the morning paper and give your boss the news.
Salesman: I’m telling you, Ray will never go that low.
Me: Richard, you’ll be surprised how nimble Ray can be. I’ll wait here. If you’re not back in five minutes, that’ll be me walking off the lot. I’ll start the clock. Go.
(Richard dashes off. He returns four minutes later).
Richard: I can’t believe it. He said he’d take it.
Me: Don’t look so surprised.
Richard: Tell me the truth, were you bluffing or not?
Me: I don’t bluff, Richard. I meant every word I said, even about your kids. They are darling.
Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.
