Punch Lines

Baghdad is pursuing a war of words against President Clinton. The government newspaper has called him “mentally retarded, immersed in vice and without conscience.” Says the Funny Scheet, “Bob Dole chimed in, ‘I believe they left out fat and unhealthy.’ ”

* “Dole wants him to release his medical records, as Dole has. Big deal. All Dole’s doctor ever says is: ‘Still going!’ ” (Bill Williams)

* “Clinton’s records show that he suffers from a high sensitivity to drafts, Whitewater on the knee and a minor lung ailment caused by not inhaling enough.” (Bob Mills)

The GOP had to drop its “Dole Man” parody of the R&B; hit “Soul Man.” Says Argus Hamilton, “The composer just couldn’t stand seeing all those Republicans on the news each night, clapping on one and three.”

The San Diego Zoo is trying to get two pandas to procreate but so far no luck. Says Alex Kaseberg, “Want to boost their sex drive? Appoint them as presidential campaign advisors.”

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In the news: Last week Wal-Mart held a grand opening for its first store in China. Says Hamilton, “A line of Chinese children stretched around the block. They wanted to see how their shirts turned out.”

Scientists have discovered a chemical that reduces hunger in mice. Says Johnny Robish, “Every day there’s some new study showing how to give mice longer, healthier lives. Ever wonder if all this research isn’t secretly funded by Disney?”

* Adds Alan Ray, “After three injections of the appetite suppressant, all of the lab mice wanted to become supermodels.”

It looks like Libya may compete in the next Olympics. Says Jerry Perisho, “Yeah, Moammar Ghadafi heard about the bombing in Atlanta and now he wants to enter a team.”

A Carnegie study advises two years of quality preschool. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “When is the right time for a child to start preschool? Around the time Mommy has to be hospitalized for a Raffi overdose.”

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Cirque du O.J.: The Simpson civil trial is about to begin, under a tight gag order from the judge. No cameras, not even sketch artists. Says Williams, “The media say, hah! They’ve hired mimes to attend the trial and then reenact the testimony on the 6 o’clock news.”

Renowned house guest Kato Kaelin will again testify. Says Kaseberg, “He’s so excited. This is the first call-back he’s had in years.”

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Reader Sulana Chait of Santa Barbara says when her 3 1/2-year-old grandson, Andy, recently started preschool, his teacher asked him, “How do you like to be called, Andy or Andrew?” He seemed to be thinking it over, but didn’t answer. Trying to help, the teacher asked, “What does your mother call you?” Instantly, he responded:

“Pumpkin!”