Those Were the Days, My Friend : IāLL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS.<i> By Art Buchwald (G.P. Putnam: $24.95, 236 pp.)</i>
We carried hardly any luggage, but if we ever declared our dreams . . . they would have been worth thousands.
--Art Buchwald, on arriving in Paris in 1948
****
For a while there, we shared the same ancient telephone. I was the scruffy unfettered sports editor of the Paris Herald Tribune. He was . . . Buchwald.
At random, I would grab the telephone, on deadline, croak āLana Turner? Sure, and Iām Eleanor Rooseveltā--and hang up.
Or he would grab the phone: āThe Giants? The Giants? How the hell would I know? I hope they lost. Big!ā
He was brash, natty, bombastic. We were all a little in awe. But not much. And then there was the night he swooped down on the phone, beating me by a fingernail, trumpeted āThe Duke of Windsorā and stood uncharacteristically silent for two beats. Then, in a moment for the ages, he said, āItās for you.ā
In truth, the high-pitched, estimable Windsor only wanted the scores of the British Open golf tournament, but the call was indicative, both of the gloriously chaotic ambience of the newspaper Buchwald made his own and of the unfathomable rise in the columnistās fortunes--unfathomable even to him.
Six or seven years earlier, an ex-GI built like a duffel bag had come to Paris with the requisite dream, a bag of brisket and cream soda, and three pieces of advice from his sisters: Donāt admit youāre a Yank, donāt drink the water and always use a condom.
He spoke no French--still doesnāt--and he didnāt know the toilet attendant at the Tuileries let alone the rich, raunchy and renowned. Now they were calling him. Lana and āDukey,ā sure, and Audrey Hepburn and Somerset Maugham and Lena Horne and Pablo Picasso and Ed Murrow. I know; I answered the telephone. And before he left France, he wasnāt just dropping their names, they were dropping his.
What he had were guts, drive, wanderlust, imagination, a skin thicker than Saddamās bunker and a generosity of spirit he wonāt admit to even to this day.
Itās all there in this rollicking chronicle, a simply told tale of life in the social stratosphere, a book easier to read than the top line of an eye chart. And the more remarkable because itās true.
āIāll Always Have Parisā is the second of three memoirs. The first, āLeaving Home,ā treats Buchwaldās childhood in the Hebrew Orphan Asylum in New York, his three-year hitch as a World War II Marine in the Pacific and three years at USC. āIāll Always Have Parisā is the Europe years, a hilarious hegira from the grungy Polish hotel in Montparnasse to the yachts of the āOnassi,ā aboard one of which six bar stools are covered with the skin of the penis of a single whale.
From picking up girls in the Louvre (best line, in front of the Mona Lisa: āI know the guy who has the originalā) to squiring Gina Lolabrigida to a Monaco gala.
From peasant palate (the Tribuneās Bob Yoakum, in āThe Paperā: āHis idea of gourmet dining was to begin his meal with creme caramelā) to fake but fervent gastronome (Tip: Just tell the sommelier, āJean, could you perhaps dig up something from that filthy cellar of yours that can do justice to this steack au poivre?ā).
From GI Bill cheapster (he paid a really poor guy $2 a month to answer āpresentā at the Alliance Francaise) to bar-hopping in St. Moritz with Agnelli, Opel, Niarchos and Rossi (āHere we are with $4 billion between us and not one person at this table is going to get laid tonightā).
From pissoir to palace. . . .
Thereās some personal stuff, too, told without guile or style but the more effective for it: the courtship of Ann McGarry, beloved wife, who died in 1994; the adoption of three children, in Ireland, Spain and France; long absences and serious marital bumps (āI couldnāt have become famous if I stayed in the childrenās nursery,ā he told Ann); regrets at having missed too much of the childrenās childhood; anti-Semitism in the Austrian Alps.
In between, though, lunches in Naples with Lucky Luciano; a nocturnal bat hunt in Sussex; seeding clouds over Paris with American perfume; Ernest Hemingway, Lauren Bacall, Elvis Presley, the Duke of Windsor--āa dimwit who never said one word that was memorable.ā
Not to Buchwald, he didnāt.
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