She’s Not Bitter--Honest

Dear John:

I’m not convinced.

I’m not convinced that you really married longtime girlfriend Carolyn Bessette on Cumberland Island off the coast of Georgia in a super-secret ceremony on Saturday night. This was just a shameless ploy to get on the cover of People (like you haven’t been on it enough) or to garner publicity for your magazine, George, right?

But on the off chance that all those media reports are in fact true, I have a question: What the heck were you thinking?

Do you know what you’ve done? That loud noise you heard after you said your “I do’s” was the breaking of millions of hearts. Was this any way to fulfill the responsibilities of America’s Most Eligible Bachelor, America’s Prince Charming?

Not that mine was among the millions, mind you. I have better things to do than to lust after some brilliantly sculpted, roller-blading, sexiest man alive magazine honcho with perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect. . . . Well, I don’t think I need to go on.

I didn’t lose sleep over the weekend. I didn’t inhale every last piece of candy in my house. I didn’t fill a trash can with tissues.

OK, maybe I was a tad upset when I saw the first TV reports and the condolence calls started pouring in. But I got over it. The news wasn’t anything two pints of Haagen-Dazs coffee ice cream couldn’t help me swallow.

At this point, I’m more concerned about your other fans, who might not be as strong and as reasonable as I am. I, for instance, believe you have the right to marry whomever you please, especially since Ms. Right is as pretty as you are. But you very well could be responsible for the biggest outpouring of grief and chocolate expenditure since it was revealed that the cutest Beatle was off the marriage market. Do you really want that on your conscience?

And another thing--you need to take a look at the bigger picture and see what the hysteria will mean for you personally. You’ll be hounded by the press. The paparazzi will record your every move. Gossip columnists will. . . . Oh, that’s right. You’re used to all that. Well, just wait until you and Carolyn have your first fight in public as a married couple. Hoo-boy. Will that be all over the news.

So, give it some thought. Maybe this till-death-do-you-part thing isn’t for you. If you want to talk, I’m here for you.

Your friend

Barbara Chuck

* Times copy editor Barbara Chuck first became aware of her crush on JFK Jr. at age 10.