Punch Lines

Altared state: America’s most eligible bachelor, John F. Kennedy Jr., broke a million hearts Saturday when he married Carolyn Bessette in an extremely private ceremony:

* “The official story is that many family members didn’t attend because they weren’t informed of the time or place. But word has it, they got peeved when he sent out invitations using Marilyn Monroe stamps.” (Gary Easley)

* “When Bob Dole heard the news he quickly sent congratulations to JFK Jr. and his new wife, Jackie.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Being a Kennedy, he’s now considered ‘America’s most eligible newlywed.’ ” (Steve Tatham)

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In the news: Dole is pushing his anti-drug campaign extra hard. Says Argus Hamilton, “He’s got a snappy new slogan for everything. He wished Jewish people well on ‘Don’t Get High Holy Days.’ ”

* Adds Gary Moore, “Rappers held a hip-hop day of atonement in New York on Sunday. Would that be ‘Yo Kippur’?”

It’s reported that lobbyists spent more than $400 million in Washington during the first half of 1996. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Well, darn it, America should have the best Congress money can buy.”

First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton received her first royalty check for her book, “It Takes a Village”--$742,000. Says Hamilton, “She says that after the election she’ll donate it all to a worthy cause. She’s very concerned about the future of cattle, you know.”

Says Bob Mills, “Republican strategists were relieved to learn that the real-life models for the angry exes in ‘FirstWives Club’ weren’t Dole’s, Newt Gingrich’s and Phil Gramm’s.”

Was it a bomb? A missile? Mechanical failure? Janet Reno says the cause of the crash of TWA Flight 800 may remain a mystery. Adds Jenny Church, “Until it’s made into a movie by Oliver Stone.”

Astronaut Shannon Lucid is headed home after being in space since March. Says Reno Goodale, “The bad news is, there’s no shower up there. The good news: You can eat as much as you want and you’re still weightless.”

TV Guide revealed that some news programs use wrinkle-reducing special effects to make their anchors look younger. Says Tatham, “Too bad those cameras can’t freshen up those tired old ideas trying to pass for new fall shows.”

A Swedish TV show plans to air a gynecological exam filmed from the doctor’s point of view. Says Alan Ray, “Swedes have never seen anything like it on their screens. They don’t have Fox TV over there.”

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Reader Ruth Siegall of Anaheim recalls, years ago, going shopping with her 3-year-old son. They were approached by a woman who gushed, “What an adorable little boy!” Turning to him, the woman asked, “And what is your name, Sweetheart?” He answered:

“David No No.”