Clinton-Dole Debate Could Be Charged With Excitement

Two debates down, one to go, and, so far, not a single question the candidates didn’t expect. In baseball parlance, they knew what pitches were coming, making them easier to hit. Plus, no brushback pitches to keep them honest.

For the final Clinton-Dole debate, we need a format change. For starters, a 15-second limit on responses, after which their microphones would go dead, thereby ensuring direct responses. Also, each candidate should be strapped to a polygraph, which in turn would be rigged to a power source capable of administering 50 volts to the candidate if he speaks falsely.

A sample of what the country might learn under such a format:

Moderator: Mr. President, Bob Dole risked his life in World War II to rescue a fallen soldier. Can you picture yourself doing something like that?

Dole: Can I answer that for him?

Clinton: I’d like to think courage comes in many forms, but would I do what Sen. Dole did? Yes, absolutely.

Clinton (an instant later): Oww! Dammit!

Moderator: Sorry, Mr. President. . . . Sen. Dole, would you say your political courage has matched your battlefield courage?

Dole (eyeing Clinton, still in some pain): Uh, no.

Moderator: Senator, how many times in the last year would you say you have gone--and not for political reasons--to either a movie, a ball game, the supermarket, the cleaners, a video store, an auto repair shop or a convenience store?

Dole: Why do you want to know that?

Moderator: I think it would say something about your contact with the real world.

Dole (upset but doing mental calculations): Less than 10.

Moderator: More than once?

Clinton (to Dole): That’s quite a jolt of electricity.

Dole: Probably not. People bug me if I go out, want to talk to me, ask me about a bill, an amendment. I need to relax. I went out one time, must have been a couple years ago, wanted to see that dinosaur movie, “Jurassic Park,” stay current, but long lines, then somebody--

His mike goes dead.

Moderator: Thank you, Senator. Mr. President, Sen. Dole said at the GOP convention that he knows who he is and, may I say, we believe him. Do you know what he meant by that, and do you feel, deep-down, that you know who you are?

Clinton (reddening): Yes, I feel that I do.

Moderator: And are you content with that person?

Clinton: I think . . . I still have some work to do on that count.

Dole (grumpily, to moderator) Why don’t you follow up on that one? I know he’s covering up something on that Vince Foster thing.

Dole receives his first jolt of electricity, wincing but less so than Clinton had.

Dole (with Cheshire cat smile, at Clinton): Is that all there is to it? Hardly felt it.

Moderator: Mr. President, do you believe that someone can and should lead the country, even if his or her personal moral code might not conform to the conventional notion of high standards?

Clinton: Yes, I believe that’s possible. (He braces for possible jolt, but none comes. He looks relieved to learn he actually believes that.) Others have noted that we don’t inspect the personal morals of surgeons when they’re operating on us to save our lives, so, yes, someone could govern successfully and not be a moral exemplar.

Moderator: Senator, do you agree with that?

Dole (glumly): Sure, suppose so. Nobody’s perfect. Some are less perfect than others (shoots glance at Clinton).

Moderator: Sen. Dole, you have talked a lot about your war injuries during this campaign. Do you think they relate materially to how you might govern if elected?

Dole (eyeing power source): That thing still on?

Moderator: Yes sir.

Dole: Probably not. It’s just that--

Moderator (interrupting): Sen. Dole, isn’t it true that on a fundamental level you resent the hell out of President Clinton?

Dole: You bet I do, that over-educated phony.

Clinton: Who are you calling a phony, you overrated hypocrite?

Moderator: Gentlemen, the machines tell us you’re both telling the truth. Thank you for your candor. In closing, let me say may the better candidate win.

Clinton: I hope so.

He gets a jolt of electricity, knocking him backward.

Dole (scarcely containing his amusement): That goes for me, too. May the better candidate win.

He also gets a jolt of electricity, apparently surprising him so much that he also falls backward.

Moderator: Gentlemen, on that rather sobering note, may I just take a moment to remind our viewers that the next presidential election is a short four years away.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.