CLUELESS

After “Flatliners” and “Batman Forever,” Joel Schumacher’s name became synonymous with flashy, high-tech movie making, where set design and effects often upstaged the stars. Imagine our surprise, then, when Schumacher--now at work on “Batman & Robin”--described himself as “a computer moron” who just had his identity usurped by a Web wannabe.

“We live in a schizophrenic time: Technology is blossoming as the planet is eroding,” Schumacher observed during a break from the fourth “Batman” film, starring George Clooney as Gotham’s Caped Crusader, Arnold Schwarzenegger as archenemy Mr. Freeze, and Apple Inc.’s new line of color-coordinated computers (to be kept under wraps until the film’s June opening and attendant marketing blitz).

“They’re [the new Apple computers] fantastic . . . very user-friendly. But I’m not like Robert Zemeckis, who’s a technocrat. I’m computer-ignorant. I did an online interview in New York when ‘Batman Forever’ opened. It went by so fast, it was dizzying. Someone had to type for me. I’d still be hunting and pecking. . . . “

Schumacher, 57, comes from a time before television, when telephones, in some households, were totally confounding. “I remember an Italian friend getting his first phone. His mother treated it like something from the devil, yelling into the wrong end. . . . It all makes me feel very old.”

Little wonder Schumacher was easy prey for a cyber-clone--password: “jsch.”

“Somebody signed on the Batman Web site as me. I think we’ve stopped him. He was giving misinformation about ‘Batman & Robin,’ information about casting and where we were shooting. The studio tracked him down. He turned out to be somebody who was trying to get a job. Fortunately, he was benign enough.”

Bat-fans, accept no substitutions, Schumacher cautioned.

“If anybody sees anything from me on the Web site, it won’t be me. You can be sure of that.”

It’s not surprising Schumacher is popular on the net. His highly technical stock-in-trade lends itself to ancillary spinoffs (video games, CD-ROMs, laser discs). He was recently approached by Toshiba and Warner Bros. about assembling a director’s cut of “Batman Forever”--all 2 hours and 40 minutes of it--to help kick off the new DVD (digital video disc) player, due in stores at Christmas.

“A lot of cultists have been asking about those extra scenes, which is basically just more back story [how Bruce Wayne became Batman, the genesis of the giant Monarch bat]. So, we’ll put the scenes back in and have me talking about why they were in and why they were cut out.”

DVD plays high-resolution CDs and, with the touch of a remote, can switch between dubbed and subtitled versions of a movie, letterbox and pan-and-scan formats. The high-density laser discs have enough room to accommodate outtakes, alternate endings and, most intriguing, interactive plots.

Schumacher has mixed feelings about the new technology. He sees it as a boon to film scholarship, something less for filmmakers who hate to revisit old projects.

“I think multiple endings are a problem. If you’re really making a strong story with vision to it, it can only have one ending. Multiple endings are more suited to video games.”

Schumacher flashed on the nightmarish possibilities: “Rhett suddenly throws open the door and says, ‘I made a mistake, Scarlett, and I’m back.’ Ingrid Bergman jumps off the plane and says, ‘Screw my husband, I’m staying with you, Humphrey.’ Lawrence doesn’t go to Arabia.”

Schumacher feels differently about material that illustrates the creative process.

“Woody Allen made ‘September’ twice with two totally different casts. Wouldn’t you love to see two versions of the same film, with Woody talking about his choices? And certainly if there were multiple choices in ‘Citizen Kane’ I would be on the edge of my seat to see that.”

Schumacher has made his share of incendiary, R-rated thrillers, such as “Falling Down” and “A Time to Kill.” He’d love to try a children’s film in the new format. “I’ve been dying to do something for children,” he said. “With DVD you could construct a very clever story with very clever endings. It would challenge children . . . show them there’s more than one way to think.”

Ironically, one of Hollywood’s most contemporary directors feels out of touch, especially when his 7-year-old godson blithely carries on a conversation as, mouse in hand, he banishes video-game hobgoblins.

“Every year I say I’m going to get with it. My problem is I’m such a obsessive-compulsive personality. I’ve conquered alcohol and drugs, but this would be my new drug of choice. I’d be sitting in front of the screen at 4 a.m.

“Jeffrey Katzenberg gave me a Nintendo Gameboy. It was like giving a person his first taste of crack. I got so hung up on Tetris. I found I was literally dreaming of the Tetris pieces falling into place.

“That’s one of the reasons I’ve resisted computers: I’m not afraid of them, I’m afraid of myself.”

In the end, whether you’re talking about the Web or DVDs, it all comes down to how much information is too much, Schumacher argues. “We’re in the midst of a new generation that’s totally information-oriented. Do they want just entertainment or do they want to know more than anyone has ever known about a film? I do, but I make films. The average family wants to sit down, pop open a beer and have a good time.”