Punch Lines

Down to the wire: Just one more day until the elections. People all over the world watch our democracy at work with great fascination, says Alan Ray. “They like to know where their money is going.”

Experts predict a record low turnout, says AJ Lentini. “It appears the last time Americans got really excited about voting, it was over the Elvis stamp.”

* Adds Ray, “Some are predicting the lowest turnout since 1912. This doesn’t faze Bob Dole. He plans to vote this time just like he did back then.”

The Butterball Turkey Co. has opened its annual turkey-cooking hotline. Says Argus Hamilton, “Cooking a turkey takes great patience. The Republicans have been trying to cook one for four years and it’s nowhere near done yet.”

The GOP is getting nervous, says Bill Maher. “Last week Liddy Dole promised a crowd, ‘If Bob is elected, no more Macarena.’ I’m not sure everyone realizes that ‘Macarena’ is Spanish for ‘Medicare.’ ”

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “After 13 weeks, ‘The Macarena’ is no longer No. 1 on the pop-song charts. Our long national nightmare is over.”

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In the news: A new health study has been released. Says Hamilton, “The bad news is, it shows that body weight is genetic, intelligence is genetic, even happiness is genetic. The good news? Even if you’re fat, dumb and miserable, it’s not your fault.”

Costumes, jewelry and furniture from the Elvis Presley Museum were auctioned off in Los Angeles over the weekend. Says Bob Mills, “Items included Elvis’ Tree of Life pendant, a jumpsuit and matching cape, and an acoustic guitar with built-in French fryer and cheeseburger cozy.”

On a visit to Afghanistan, TV anchor Diane Sawyer was greeted by women holding a sign that read “Welcome to the Middle Ages.” Says Joe Vogel, “For a moment there, thinking she was back in Beverly Hills, Sawyer took it as an insult and had to be held back by three cameramen.”

The widow and son of Melvin Belli are in a dispute over a human skeleton owned by the late lawyer. Says Gary Easley, “The skeleton apparently is all that remained of one of Belli’s clients after he finished paying his legal fees.”

A new trend in romance novels is male heroes who are portrayed as family men. Says Ray, “These hunks fulfill their women’s most passionate desires: They take out the garbage. They fix the toilet. They paint the nursery.”

Well-known purple dinosaur Barney threatened to sue 450 costume shops for selling unauthorized likenesses. Sings Jerry Perisho, “I love you, you love me, get yourself an at-tor-ney!”

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Rabbi Joseph Feinstein of Sherman Oaks says his granddaughter Katie, 6, came to visit after a long hiatus. He ran to greet her and planted a big kiss on her cheek. She quickly wiped it off, saying “Grandpa, you still give wet kisses.” He apologized and told her it wouldn’t happen again. To which she replied:

“Keep practicing, keep practicing!”