Punch Lines

In the news: President Clinton posed with 17 other leaders at the APEC summit in Manila. There were 13 Asian notables and four Westerners. “It looked like any other Clinton / Gore fund-raiser this year,” says Argus Hamilton.

A South Carolina kindergarten teacher much criticized for writing a scolding in ink on a child’s face seeks reinstatement and will appeal to the school board. Says Jenny Church, “She will use chalk to write on the board.”

CIA agent Harold Nicholson is accused of selling information to Russia’s spy agency. “Now everybody will know how to make crack,” says Hamilton.

* “We got hold of some of the top secret plans that Nicholson tried to sell,” says Jay Leno. “Personally, I don’t think they were that bad. Here, look at the secrets--two-ply toilet paper.”

* Russia at first denied that its space probe to Mars crashed in the South Pacific. But, says Hamilton, “A CIA agent found out about it and reported it to the CIA by mistake.”

The Environmental Protection Agency has announced new, stricter air quality standards. “When air reaches a density deemed harmful to health, officials must tack a warning sign on it,” comments Bob Mills.

A man in a Barney suit knocked on the door of a Missouri woman’s home and attempted to rob her. Says Steve Voldseth, “The woman said she was terrified--and then she realized it wasn’t the real Barney.”

The FTC has ordered that car leases must disclose the true cost of the contract prominently in the document. “No longer can ‘an arm and a leg’ be relegated to the fine print,” Gary Easley says.

The Federal Aviation Administration has issued new guidelines for how to deal with unruly passengers. “Flight attendants will perform the Macarena until the passenger is subdued,” says Bill Williams.

Disney’s remake of “101 Dalmatians” premiered Sunday in Hollywood. Glenn Close, Jeff Daniels and several Dalmatians were there. Says Jerry Perisho, “I remember the days when walking in front of a Hollywood theater, all you had to worry about stepping in was wet cement.”

* Mills says the reviews have been mostly favorable. “David Sheehan gave it eight fire hydrants out of a possible 10.”

While Clippers coach Bill Fitch reflects on becoming the first NBA coach to have lost 1,000 games, Leno ponders, “How do you celebrate a milestone like that? Do you give him the game ball and take it back? Do you carry him halfway down the court, then leave him there?”

* “How do you get up and make that speech,” adds Leno. “ ‘You know, when I got to 500 losses, I never thought I would be here tonight. With a lot of bad luck and perseverance, I was able to hang in there and lose 1,000 games.’ ”

*

Reader Jerry Raisin of Los Angeles says that years ago his granddaughter Teresa, then 6, noticed that her father, a lawyer, looked sad and tired one day when he came home from work. She told him so. He explained that he had lost a case that day. She said:

“That’s all right, Daddy. Just sit and rest a few minutes and I will help you find it.”