How to Have a Very Valley Christmas

Well, it’s another holiday season and Mom has dusted off the plastic tree and the petrified fruit cake. There’s old Uncle George stringing the lights and skewering the poor angel to the tree, while Aunt Madge threads those cheesy popcorn and cranberry decorations and again puts the reindeer antlers on the poodle.

So what if you are 15 miles from the Pacific Ocean? There is faux snow on the bougainvillea, and the whole family looks like they stepped out of the December issue of Vermont Life.

What’s wrong with this picture? Well, nothing if you don’t mind that you are in the San Fernando Valley, where most everyone thinks it’s perfectly normal to pretend it’s Christmas in Connecticut. In 1956. When what would really make sense would be Christmas on Mars or with the Klingons or at least in L.A., which in a sense are all pretty much the same place.

So what is someone looking for a genuine Valley Christmas to do? To buy? To eat? To go? Here are a few ideas.

GIFTS

While there are probably other places in the Valley to buy goofy, out-of-the-ordinary Christmas gifts, Universal CityWalk offers the largest selection in one stop. A wide range of unusual items can be found at one or another of the 23 novelty shops.

The shops have a wide variety of interesting items, which run as cheap as $2.95 and as expensive as $5,000.

So, what’s the best seller? It depends who you ask. Each store manager has a different opinion.

“Barbie stuff is hot,” said Peggy Davis, manager of Captain Coconuts. “Anything that is Barbie sells. We used to have Barbie coffee mugs, but they’re all gone.”

Since you can’t pour coffee into her, how about putting flowers in her famous visage? Vases shaped like Barbie’s head come with blond, brunet or red hair. Only $19.99.

Some of the more expensive items can be found at All Star Collectibles, which specializes in sports memorabilia.

What about a piece of the Los Angeles Forum floor autographed by former Laker center and National Basketball Assn. Hall of famer Wilt Chamberlain? That costs $279, but Chamberlain is arguably the best center ever to play basketball, so you can’t expect him to come cheap.

A Wheaties cereal box signed by former Boston Celtic basketball star Larry Bird goes for $149, and a framed USC football jersey with O.J. Simpson’s signature is $449.

“No one has even shown interest in the O.J. shirt,” said an All Star Collectibles employee. “We just reduced the price, so now maybe it will sell.”

A shop called Things From Another World also has fancy, pricey items not easily found elsewhere. Among them is a 2-foot-tall, remote-controlled Japanese Godzilla--a replica of the one that appears in the movies--for $995. Or there are models of Universal Studios classic monsters, such as the Mummy and Wolf Man, from $150 to $500.

The store also has reasonably priced gifts, such as a script from one episode of the television show “The X-Files” for $16.95. Or an array of comic books signed by the artist for $10.95.

Or how about a pair of glow-in-the-dark underwear? The Glow store has them for $14.95 and they’re, uh, bright.

Wizards magic shop has rattlesnake eggs for only $2.95 (they’re not real) and a magician’s insurance policy from Floyd’s of Burbank for $6.26 (also not real). It comes with a deck of cards and an insurance contract.

When a wannabe magician fails to guess the card chosen from the deck by a member of the audience, it’s not a problem. The card mysteriously appears on the back of the contract.

Now back to reality. Instead of giving a popular, modern game that looks like it just came off the assembly line, why not one with a bit of history, that looks as though it came off an old assembly line.

Sparky’s has vintage versions of Monopoly and other games from the 1930s to late ‘50s for $20 to $100.

“The vintage games are our best seller in the Christmas season because people love the nostalgia,” said Sparky’s manager Claudette Colimon.

The store also has a variety of vintage T-shirts and toys and a sharp-looking, 1949 Black Phantom Schwinn bicycle for $2,200.

For those who don’t want to spend thousands on the real thing, there are miniature replicas of the classic bike for $50 to $75.

One of Sparky’s most popular items costs less than $5, however. It’s the potato gun. You stick it in a real potato and shoot harmless potato pellets with it. A bargain at only $3.

“I can’t even tell you how many of these we sell every day,” Colimon said. “People just love these.”

Some of the goofiest gifts at CityWalk can be found at the Scientific Revolution. One is called the computer voodoo doll and it’s like a stuffed animal, but in the shape of a small computer. Pins are included so computer users can take out their aggressions when something goes wrong with the real thing. It costs $7.95.

“It’s a big seller for us because a lot of people have computers and many of them have problems with them,” said manager Mario Alcalde.

The store also has crystal soil, which looks a lot like jelly, in white, blue and purple. It’s better looking than the regular black stuff, and things planted in it only require water every three to four weeks. One quart costs $5.50.

EATS

We know what you are going to say about holiday food. It’s great, and don’t mess with it. And we can’t argue that point.

It’s no wonder--what with the fabulous selection of seasonal desserts including Christmas cookies and candies of all shapes and flavors and elaborate concoctions such as buche de Noel and frosted yule logs--that by New Year’s it isn’t just Santa sporting that jelly belly. But there are more important things than good taste--of either sort. And the folks at Universal CityWalk also understand this principle.

Do you really want another season to pass without offering your holiday guests a festive-colored gelatin in the shape of a human brain? Or how about freeze-dried ice cream. Both of these items can be purchased at Scientific Revolution.

The ice cream comes in vanilla and strawberry and costs $2.50 for an individual .75-ounce packet (what a party favor or a stocking stuffer!). The gelatin mold goes for $12 and is among the most popular items in the store.

“Customers go nuts over it,” manager Mario Alcalde said.

DISPLAYS

While the Valley is filled with lovely, tasteful, whimsical and even heartwarming holiday scenes, an extensive tour of area Christmas displays turned up a few really odd offerings. For those interested in taking guests on a Valley of the Weird tour, here are some must-see sites.

The wackiest is an imposing steel dragon decorated with blue lights on the front lawn of Bill Marion’s Woodland Hills home at 5901 Oakdale Ave.

“It’s not Santa, but it’s a Christmas dragon,” Marion said.

The 18-foot-high, 25-foot-long figure certainly stands out among the traditional white, red and green lights, cardboard reindeer and Santa Claus figures along Candy Cane Lane.

“I try to do stuff that’s different and out of the ordinary,” Marion said.

And this is anything but ordinary. The dragon sits on a large, white sheet that is meant to look like snow and is surrounded by gigantic candies on sticks.

Marion, an air-conditioning and heating mechanic, designed the set in three days, but a friend helped him create the huge dragon.

For the past two years the display included a similar-size dinosaur, so it was time for a change.

Marion thinks it’s worth investing three full days to create his dragon.

“This is all for the kids, and I really wanted something to catch their eye,” he said. “So far, everybody really likes it.”

Not to be outdone, the folks down the street from Marion, at 5923 Oakdale, provided another eye-catching display on an animal theme. This one features two large cardboard dogs--one black, one beige--their necks festooned with red Christmas ribbons. The hounds are about 6 feet tall and are surrounded by lights.

The display at 23716 Arminta St. in West Hills offers an interdenominational holiday experience, combining Hanukkah with Christmas.

Monte Markowitz spent about 30 hours putting up the 15,000 lights around his 2,500-square-foot home. The Markowitz display features a Santa Claus on the roof and a large Star of David on the front lawn.

“I have enough lights here to light up a whole street if I wanted to,” said Markowitz, an aerospace engineer. “I spend an extra $200 on electricity each month for this.”

Markowitz doesn’t just throw the lights up. The logistics of bulb placement are worked out months in advance before each light is carefully placed in its assigned location.

“I use index cards, which already have the exact place each one needs to be,” Markowitz said. “It takes a lot of work and effort, but it’s very rewarding.”