Punch Lines

To Your Health: The FDA says oatmeal may carry labels saying it is beneficial to the heart. “The agency refused, however, to allow the Quaker on the Quaker Oats box to be shown wearing a stethoscope,” says Bob Mills.

Another heart study shows that pushy guys who interrupt a lot die younger. “It’s true. Their wives can only stand it so long.” (Jenny Church)

Astronaut John Blaha’s doctors say it could be weeks or months before his atrophied muscles recover after spending 128 days in space. “That’s no big deal. All guys have that problem at the end of the football season on that couch.” (Jay Leno)

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Our Hometown Industry: Movie production on location has leaped 29.4% in Los Angeles. “It has become easier for your friends to see your house in a movie than to park in front of it,” says Mills.

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Annals of Science: The world’s oldest tools were found in Ethiopia. “Archeologists have already determined that they were borrowed from the neighbors and never returned.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “With the tools were found what is believed to be the world’s oldest beer can and earliest known girlie magazine. (Jeff Tipton)

* “Evidence indicates females did all the work.” (Stan Kaplan)

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In the News: Vice President Al Gore’s daughter Karenna says she doesn’t like her Secret Service nickname, “Smurfette.” “She wants something more dignified, like, say, Tipper,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

A U.S. district judge has ruled that military bases cannot ban the sale of Penthouse magazine. “It’s a First Amendment ruling,” says Argus Hamilton. “One look at Miss February, and you have the right to remain speechless.”

So-called good graffiti in the Graffiti Pit in Venice was painted over by accident by a cleanup crew. “Venice has been flooded with calls from communities willing to donate their graffiti.” (Joe Kevany)

San Francisco officials are allowing prisoners to keep pets in their cells to relieve boredom. “Snitches will only be allowed canaries.” (Morty Wright)

Customers suing America Online claim the service took on too many customers. “Some subscribers have had to give up computer sex and go back to the old way--you know, phone sex,” says Leno.

“Curious voters wonder why some political donations are called soft money. It gets that way after being laundered,” explains Kaplan.

Henry VIII and his six wives will be honored on British stamps. “The palace issued an appropriate three-word announcement: ‘Stamps will roll.’ ” (Mills)

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Reader Martha Reynolds of Downey says her granddaughter Katie, 7, presented a handmade card to her mother. It said:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

You are sweet

And I am too.