Guilty Pleasures

Murder! Kidnapping! Deceit! Yippie! It’s time to nuzzle up to the latest TV movie of the week.

Yes, it’s true confession time: I’m a MOW junkie, and there’s no curing me--I want my bad TV. Not just any bad tubage, but the new-wave MOW subgroup that tells a tale of “shocking betrayal” from the vantage point of such made-for-TV Bettys as Lisa Rinna, Tori Spelling or Punky Brewster.

You won’t find such troubling words as “deaf,” “cancer” or “social worker” in the previews for these cheese-ball thrillers, which are churned out at the rate of theater popcorn and contain about the same amount of fat. But as we MOW chompers know, a lack of nutritional content doesn’t necessarily mean a bad time. In fact, it’s the cheese--predictably offered on Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays by ABC, NBC or CBS--that draws us to this bedtime titillation.

This month’s thrillers include CBS’ “Stranger in My Home,” NBC’s “Dying to Belong,” ABC’s “Seduction in a Small Town” and CBS’ “The Perfect Mother,” in which a woman (Ione Skye) is caught in a struggle with her “terrifying, possessive mother-in-law” (Tyne Daly). Now, that sounds downright scary.

Don’t get me wrong: Somewhere among the zillion TV programs airing each night is something substantial, but who wants “deep” when you can spend two hours gazing at the tube on a full-blown mission to determine just what exactly happened to Rinna’s lips? The “Melrose Place” resident turned up in January with her faux “MP” husband, Rob Estes, in ABC’s “Close to Danger.” While Estes practiced facial tics--he’s psycho, you know, all bent out of shape because he’s just itching to murder someone, anyone--it was Rinna’s job to make him--and, therefore, the plot--seem sensible.

“There’s something wrong with him--he’s weird, creepy, weird,” a friend tries to warn her. “No, he’s not!” Rinna’s character says defensively. “He’s exciting, he’s into exploring. He’s into looking into his mind.” Uh-huh. . . .

What separates these tour de farces from the rest of the pack is that, unhampered by complicated story lines or thoughtful dialogue, you’re free to simply enjoy the spectacle for what it is: a campy fashion show for the Beautiful Ones, who can’t really act but who are actors nevertheless.

Here’s how the movies work: Boom! They introduce psycho. Boom! You get to meet starlet. Boom! Their lives collide! Boom! Plot is resolved. These MOWs always cut to the chase, leaving all your brain power intact.

There’s only one serious point that needs to be made before you begin viewing. You must suspend all questions of logic. If you begin asking, “Why didn’t she just call the cops?” or “How come she can’t tell he’s psycho?” you’ll be beating your head against a wall. Just relax and go with the illogical flow.

If you can make it past this hurdle, here’s the best part: These MOWs are usually “inspired by real events.” Loosely translated, this means, “We take the facts, exaggerate them and cast gorgeous people in the place of ordinary folks.”

This is where the fun begins. If you want to see “real” people, you can tune into the endless array of toothless talk shows and “Cops” spinoffs, but it’s much more enjoyable to watch glamour girls and guys play the parts of the teeny-bopping cheerleaders and dumb jocks who won’t take no for an answer (the plot behind NBC’s “Stand Against Fear” last December).

In a dizzying, multi-option TV world, where it’s getting easier to get lost in the tube while channel surfing, these MOWs hark back to a simpler decision-making time. At least a couple nights a week, you can bypass the other 70 channels for the major networks, which have gotten said cheese down to a science.

Let’s examine some recent titles for clues: “Touched by Evil.” “The Secret.” “What Kind of Mother Are You?” “She Said No.” “All Lies End in Murder.” Or my personal favorite, “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?”--which, in one brilliant stroke, bangs out three recurring MOW themes: sex, danger and “It’s all Mom’s fault!”

Because each title hints at suspense and often stars a popular bad-TV actress, MOWs have a hard-core Gen-X following. The savvy producer plucks from a rotating cast of characters visible in such built-in audience shows as “Beverly Hills, 90210” and “Melrose Place.”

The favorite MOW bimbos and himbos include Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, a double crowd-pleaser because of her roles on “Saved by the Bell” and “90210”; “Melrose Place’s” Grant Show and Jack Wagner; and “90210” marvels Brian Austin Green and Tori Spelling, inarguably this generation’s Valerie Bertinelli and one of the coolest starlets to watch.

Over the years, Spelling has refined and redefined herself from a homely gal to a blond bombshell--well, at the very least, a hand grenade--and shows such confidence when parading around in skimpy fare as a schoolgirl-turned-hussy or a schoolgirl-turned-victim (the story lines of Spelling’s “Co-Ed Call Girl” and “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?”). And coming this spring on ABC is “Alibi,” in which she plays a world-class skier caught up in a murder mystery.

Like Spelling, the key MOW actresses have one common characteristic: They’re the size of Twizzlers, so skinny they can wear even the tiniest bikini and still get in front of the camera. Thiessen’s the only exception, but her bad-TV lineage more than compensates for her bodaciousness.

In this perfect, lowbrow world, one occasionally encounters a problem: The networks will air similar MOWs against each other, requiring you to examine the facts to determine which will offer the greater viewing pleasure.

A recent case in point: NBC pitted Shannen Doherty’s “Friends ‘Til the End” against ABC’s Lori Loughlin vehicle “Tell Me No Secrets.” And the winner was . . . Doherty! Campy memories of Loughlin’s “Full House” just couldn’t compete with campy memories of the Brenda Years--”90210’s” simply never been the same without the rambunctious, banged ball of fire.

“Friends ‘Til the End” didn’t disappoint. In fact, it had it all, sort of an “All About Eve” for the couch savant.

A psycho friend with a dark past, played by “Party of Five’s” Jennifer Blanc--sporting sky-high blue eye shadow and behind-the-back sneers--plots to take over Doherty’s idyllic life. Doherty, who’s lost her “90210” luster but not her Brenda chutzpah, is a sorority sis who stars in her own sublimely bad rock ‘n’ roll band.

“She sings horribly!” I said with a giggle to my husband.

“They make even worse music videos!” he said.

We’d died and gone to MOW heaven. The most complicated piece of dialogue comes from the drummer, who, during a band rehearsal, asks in earnest, “Should I use the double-kick?”

Ha, like we care. . . . Oh man, this is as good, and bad, as it gets.