Punch Lines

Career Move: Whitewater prosecutor Kenneth Starr will quit to take a job as dean of Pepperdine University’s law school. “Why?” asks the Cutler Daily Scoop, “He’s in Arkansas. Pepperdine’s in Malibu. Any other questions?”

* Starr will probably not press charges against the president or the first lady. “He’s preparing for his move to Malibu by adopting a ‘Whatever, dude’ attitude,” says Steve Tatham.

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Out of Washington: The White House averted the American Airlines strike by ordering a cooling-off period. Says Alan Ray, “President Clinton’s original solution wasn’t viable--9,000 angry pilots and only one Lincoln bedroom.”

* “President Clinton ended the strike at seven minutes after midnight,” Argus Hamilton observes. “Imagine guys making $135,000 a year trying to get an 11% increase at midnight. Who do they think they are? Congress?”

Democrats and Republicans raised $263 million in legal soft money in 1995-’96. “Seagram’s was the top Democratic donor and Philip Morris was the top Republican donor. No wonder neither side wants a surgeon general.” (Hamilton)

* “Republicans have widened the investigation of Democratic fund-raising, fearing it may involve foreign espionage,” says Bob Mills. “Most alarming is evidence that many of the president’s upper level staff often referred to the United Nations as ‘The Money Store.’ ”

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In the News: Newsweek says O.J. Simpson may move to South Florida when school is out in June. “Or it may be months later if Al Cowlings drives him down there,” says Brian J. Hill.

“The Patriot Matchmaker finds partners for militia / patriot / survivalist types,” says Bill Williams. “You can reach their Web site at http//wackos need love too.com.”

A study has found that 20% of adults can be unconsciously persuaded to adopt false childhood memories. “So Daddy didn’t sacrifice Fluffy in a satanic ritual?” (Daily Scoop)

* The elderly, young children and people with short attention spans were most inclined to believe false events created by researchers. “Coincidentally, this same group was found to be most likely to appear as guests on daytime talk shows.” (Johnny Robish)

Dan Couvrette, publisher of Divorce magazine, announced that he will marry again. “But, in a long editorial, he assured his readers that just because his divorce didn’t work out doesn’t mean theirs can’t.” (Gary Easley)

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Reader Sarah L. Kearns says her 10-year-old grandson, Spencer, had never seen snow before he visited his grandparents in Crestline after a recent heavy snowfall. As they entered the village, Spencer blurted:

“Wow, look how perfectly the snow fits on top of all the roofs!”