Drugs

Nancy and Linos Kogevinas of Brentwood say they try to talk about everything with their blended family of five children--but lay down few hard and fast rules.

“Our position is, smoking is bad for you and marijuana too. You could never smoke marijuana in our house. You’re not allowed to drink and drive. We do not say you may not drink,” Nancy Kogevinas said. “We are realistic about what teenagers do. When you forbid, it’s a recipe for disaster.”

Their daughter Tatiana, 14, said she doesn’t want to try marijuana, even though some of her classmates have. “It harms your health and I’m a skier,” she said.

Even more important for her friends and her, Tatiana said, is the matter of trust. “A lot of kids say my parents don’t trust me, so I don’t have anything to lose,” she said.

Once, she said, she lied to her father and lost his trust. “It’s hard to gain back a parent’s trust,” she said. “It’s more important than drugs and I don’t want to lose it [again].”

According to a new parents’ guide being unveiled with the study, the average age that a child tries alcohol is 11; for marijuana, it’s 12.

Many children today grow up confused about substances, a consensus of parenting experts said. They may hear that drugs are bad, but they see drugs in the medicine chest, they watch their parents drink wine at dinner or know that their parents may have experimented with drugs when they were young.

The parents’ guide recommends that parents, no matter what their experience, establish a clear family position on drugs, saying, “We don’t allow any drug use, and children in this family are not allowed to drink alcohol.”

The experts also advise that parents lay the groundwork so children can make their own choices and act independently from an early age. Six-year-olds can understand that smoking and taking medicines when someone isn’t sick can hurt their bodies. Ten-year-olds can be told, “Cocaine and crack are very dangerous and illegal drugs that could kill you even if you take them just once.”

It is also important to involve children in sports or after-school activities, help them build social skills, know what makes a good friend, and to make sure they are certain of their parents’ love.