Punch Lines

Capitol Beat: President Clinton banned the use of government funds for human cloning research. “No wonder,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “The government research could go wrong and you could end up with a bunch of faceless bureaucrats.”

* “Only private funds will be used to clone Democratic voters.” (Scoop)

“Hearings are set for next week on the nomination of Tony Lake as CIA director. Some senators are demanding to see his FBI file, but unfortunately, the White House doesn’t have any FBI files on Democrats.” (Argus Hamilton)

Al Gore is taking a lot of flak for his role in campaign fund-raising. In true vice presidential style, his statement said, “Wow. This is becoming a real hot potatoe.” (Bill Williams)

* “Gore’s phone solicitations were very effective. He not only raised several hundred thousand dollars for the Democratic National Committee, he got 15 people to switch to MCI.” (Alan Ray)

* “They’re already calling the Gore scandal ‘Dullgate,’ ” says Jay Leno. “But actually I’m very happy for Gore. Finally getting his own scandal. Maybe he can be president someday.”

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Business World: Bill Gates says Microsoft’s growth will slow. “Yeah,” says the Scoop. “World domination is one thing, but galactic empires take time.”

“AT&T; says it will stop the practice of issuing $100 checks to lure customers back,” says Johnny Robish. “Customers who remain loyal will instead be offered an opportunity to sleep in Alexander Graham Bell’s bedroom.”

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In the News: “Pope John Paul II criticized genetic engineering. But some of it is very beneficial,” Hamilton says. “One scientist crossed a chicken with a silkworm and got a hen that lays eggs with pantyhose inside them.”

A survey of 33 metropolitan areas found New Orleans has the highest percentage of obese people. “What do you expect?” asks the Scoop. “Butter is the Louisiana state vegetable.”

* “Dallas-Fort Worth finished high on the list because Texans routinely overestimate their size,” says Bob Mills.

Discussion of the adequacy of the LAPD’s firearms continues. “In the middle of the bank shootout, police needed to get more firepower to combat the gunmen’s heavy artillery,” observes Premiere Morning Sickness. “Fortunately, there was a post office nearby.”

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Reader Neil Wenger’s 5-year-old daughter, Ariela, was playing in her first T-ball game. She hit the ball off the tee and ended up on second base. When the next batter hit the ball, Ariela scored by running directly across the diamond to home plate. When Wenger asked her why she didn’t follow the base paths, she replied,

“Oh, Dad, third base was way out of the way.”