Punch Lines

Annals of Science: A Belgian doctor denies a story that his fertility clinic accidentally produced the first human clone, a boy now 4 years old. “According to the story, Dr. Robert Schoysman accidentally mixed together the cells of snakes and snails and puppy dogs’ tails,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Next thing you know. . . .”

According to a recent study, men’s brains work better when men are on their feet. “Well, it would explain the wave,” says Jerry Perisho. “You’re sitting there enjoying the game. The guy next to you stands up, waves his arms over his head, so like an idiot you stand up and wave. Then your brain kicks in and you sit down. Then the whole thing starts again.”

DNA tests by Oxford University prove that a man in Cheddar, England, is a direct descendant of a 9,000-year-old skeleton unearthed in a nearby cave. “And you think you have obnoxious relatives who overstay their welcome.” (Bob Mills)

* “The skull had been crushed by a rock,” says Argus Hamilton. “Apparently somebody was doing Hamlet in front of one tough crowd.”

A study shows that the body’s reaction to smog may be genetic. “Smog doesn’t seem to bother people who trace their roots back to London during the Industrial Revolution.” (Joe Kevany)

*

New in D.C.: “At a press conference President Clinton strongly defended the White House fund-raising activities,” says the Scoop. “Clinton also announced that, for a fee, further press conferences will be sponsored by Doritos.”

Clinton issued a directive that federal agencies should hire welfare clients. “You can imagine the scene down at the personnel office,” says the Scoop:

“ ‘Says on your resume you have done nothing for four years but collect money.’

“ ‘Yes, sir.’

“ ‘Well, we can make you either a GS-2 mail clerk or vice president.’ ”

*

Cyber World: “Computer geeks are excited about the new superfast modems,” says the Olympia Daily World. “The devices will enable you to download more easily, set up Web pages quickly and get the America Online busy signal much faster.”

America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allow ads in its chat rooms, says Jay Leno. “You can see why. You got computer sex, you can download pornography, you got people making dates with 10-year-olds. Hey, what’s that? A Pepsi ad? Come on, you’re gonna ruin the integrity of the Internet.”

*

Reader Cathleen Brown says her 6-year-old granddaughter, Kristen, was saying a prayer before getting into bed. “I know what thunder is,” Kristen said. “What is it?” her mother asked her.

“It’s God moving his piano.”