There’s a Ringing in His Ears

Date: A late April night, 1997.

Time: Approximately 10 p.m.

Place: The Delta Center,

Salt Lake City.

Karl Malone is crying. John Stockton is punching a locker. “The Clippers,” he mutters to himself. Bang. “We lost to the Clippers.” Bang.

Unbelievable. The Utah Jazz has just been eliminated from the NBA playoffs by the Clippers, in the biggest upset since the 1980 USA hockey team beat the Russkies.

All of Salt Lake has died a little tonight. Not only the city. The lake.

Final score: Clippers 101, Jazz 100, in Game 5 of their first-round Western Conference playoff. Clipper fans--both of them--are going wild here!

Loy Vaught has just outscored Malone, 25 to 20. Darrick Martin

has out-assisted Stockton, 15 to 10.

Malone is devastated.

“You should pass to me more,” he shouts at Stockton.

“Oh, go mail something,” Stockton shouts back.

The Clippers have won a playoff series, for the first time since dinosaurs ate human beings.

Utah’s fans are yelling at their players.

They turn their signs upside down, so UTAH now reads: HAT-U.

Winning Coach Bill Fitch is trying to console losing Coach Jerry Sloan.

“There, there. You’ll be fine,” Fitch comforts him.

“But you’re the Clippers,” Sloan says.

Utah immediately offers Malone and Stockton to the Dallas Mavericks for Shawn Bradley.

Meantime, in their locker room, it’s a happy, happy bunch of Clippers indeed.

TV reporters crowd around their lockers, asking: “Now, which Clipper are you?” “Now, which Clipper are you?”

Martin begins a chant:

“No more ESPN jokes! No more ESPN jokes!”

It’s on to Round 2.

*

Date: A weekend in early May.

Time: Oh, maybe 4 o’clock.

Place: Key Arena, Seattle.

Hersey Hawkins is crying. Gary Payton is slapping a limo driver.

Unbelievable. The Seattle SuperSonics have just been eliminated from the NBA playoffs by the Clippers, in the biggest upset since Juliette Binoche over Lauren Bacall. Seattle is quiet tonight. Nothing but the sound of soft raindrops and lonely teardrops.

Final score: Clippers 91, Sonics 90, in Game 7 of their second-round Western Conference playoff. Clipper fans--hundreds of them--are doing somersaults and backflips, like a bunch of Ozzie Smiths.

Terry Dehere has outscored Hawkins, 40 to 30. Bo Outlaw has outscored Payton, one to nothing.

Shawn Kemp is scoreless also, having not shown up.

“I thought the game was tomorrow, man,” Kemp explains, from a booth at a Hooters restaurant in Tacoma.

The Clippers have done it again, defying Vegas odds of 900 trillion to 1.

Seattle Coach George Karl gives them credit, quipping, “They’re better than that Michael Jordan any day.”

The SuperSonics immediately offer Kemp to the Chicago Bulls for Scottie Pippen, who laughs himself sick.

Meantime, once again, it’s a happy, happy bunch of Clippers indeed.

“No more ESPN jokes.” they continue to chant.

They’re on to Round 3, to explore new civilizations, to boldly go where no Clipper has gone before!

*

Date: Sometime in mid-May.

Time: Sometime around 9:30.

Place: The Forum.

Shaquille O’Neal is laughing. Nick Van Exel is not.

“Laughter is the best medicine,” Shaq suggests.

“Oh, go rap something, Kazaam,” Van Exel says.

Unbelievable. The Lakers have just been eliminated from the NBA playoffs by the Clippers, in the biggest upset since Hillary Rodham Clinton won a Grammy.

L.A. is a confused city tonight.

Clipper fans--thousands of them now--hold up signs, reading: “BEAT INGLEWOOD.”

Final score: Clippers 72, Lakers 70, in Game 7 of their Western Conference championship series. Jack Nicholson says after the game, “The truth is, the Lakers are still the better team.”

Billy Crystal yells at Jack, “You can’t handle the truth!”

A surprise starter, Stanley Roberts has outscored Shaq, 36 to 35. Rodney Rogers has outscored Eddie Jones, 36 to 35.

Strangely, no one else scores for either side.

Fitch consoles Laker Coach Del Harris, saying: “Remember, you’re still younger than me.”

“Everyone is,” Harris replies.

The Lakers immediately send Byron Scott to the Vancouver Grizzlies for all of the Vancouver Grizzlies, in a deal most experts agree Jerry West got the worst of.

“Good luck, old-timer,” Kobe Bryant congratulates Lorenzen Wright.

In the locker room, yes, it’s a happy, happy bunch of Clippers indeed.

They chant: “No more Fox Sports West 2!”

It’s on to the NBA finals, the closest any Clipper has come to Fantasyland, except for the Pond.

*

Date: First part of June.

Time: A Sunday midafternoon.

Place: The United Center, Chicago

Michael Jordan is announcing his retirement. Dennis Rodman is kicking a TV cameraman in the tripod.

Jordan tells the press, “The Clipper supporting cast was better than mine.”

“Oh, go play with Bugs Bunny,” Scottie Pippen snaps.

Unbelievable. The Chicago Bulls have been defeated for the NBA championship by the Clippers, in the biggest upset since Moses crossed that sea without getting his feet wet.

Final score: Clippers 101, Bulls 69, in Game 6 of a series that could have easily ended in four.

Eric Piatkowski has outscored Jordan, 30 to nine. Lamond Murray has outrebounded Rodman, 30 to nine.

Clipper fans--hundreds of thousands of them--mob the streets of Los Angeles, wearing the Clipper colors, many of them asking each other what the Clipper colors are.

Coach Phil Jackson of Chicago gives a gift to Bill Fitch, a rare copy of Charles Dickens’ “A Tale of Two Cities.”

“I knew the author,” Fitch admits.

The Bulls immediately offer Ron Harper and Brian Williams to the Clippers, who tell them to stuff it.

ESPN reports: “There will be no more Clipper jokes, ever!”

Anaheim officials contact the Lakers.