Punch Lines

Aftermath: The State Department says the U.S. played no role in last week’s military assault by Peruvian commandos to free the captives. “That’s obvious,” says Jerry Perisho. “If we’d been involved, first there would have been House committee hearings, then an independent counsel investigation and finally only half the funding would have come through.”

* “NBC is in trouble for broadcasting a Japanese TV network’s feed of the hostage rescue,” says Argus Hamilton. “NBC was operating under Clinton’s law. This law states it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.”

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In Washington: President Clinton lobbied senators to get a treaty on chemical weapons passed. “Imagine the wheeling and dealing. What started out to be a worldwide ban on chemical weapons will probably wind up being a dam in West Virginia.” (Hamilton)

* “Bob Dole lent his support to the president for his standard 10% per year with no payment for the first eight years.” (Bill Williams)

The administration will add the California coho salmon to species threatened with extinction. “Also added to the list was Bob Dornan.” (Paul Ecker)

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New in Hollywood: “ ‘Volcano’ opened Friday,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Let’s see: ‘The coast is toast.’ The coast has flakes. The coast has O.J. The coast is breakfast.”

* “The ‘Dukes of Hazzard: Reunion!’ aired--the reason folks are glad the coast is toast.” (Scoop)

Another criminal complaint has been filed against actor Martin Lawrence, accusing him of punching another man at a Hollywood nightclub. “Martin, here’s a piece of advice,” says the Funny Firm. “Don’t leave the house.”

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Science File: A study found that during marital conflicts, a man’s blood pressure rises but a woman’s doesn’t. “That’s because the woman is serene in the knowledge that she is right,” explains the Scoop.

Scientists say 20-million-year-old fossils found in Uganda belong to an apelike ancestor of man. “Apparently the creature was capable of standing upright, swinging from trees and starring in his own Fox sitcom.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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Financial Matters: “Things are bad in the stock market,” says Steve Voldseth. “Today on the way to work, I saw a stockbroker next to a freeway onramp with a sign that read, ‘Will churn for food.’ ”

* “Analysts say the market is interest-rate-driven. It seems to me it is being driven by Rodney King.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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Readers Frank and Diane Thackery say their 3-year-old grandson, Trevor Forsyth, a beginning swimmer, spent a recent Sunday at their pool. Each time he got in the pool, a number of safety rules were outlined. After the third or fourth time, he got in the pool and said,

“I know the rule--don’t drown.”