Some Things Don’t Compute

The computer Deep Blue might be hot stuff, but there are still some areas where machines aren’t even a blip on the screen:

* Only a human can come up with the idea for combining shampoo and conditioner.

* No machine can duplicate the magnificence of a loitering hawk, the wonder of a hummingbird at a feeder or the smile of a toothless 5-year-old.

* No machine can match puppy breath.

* Only humans can burp at will.

* Computers can handicap the horses, but they can’t ride ‘em.

* A computer can pick the best rotisserie league baseball team, but it can’t drink a Bud Light.

* A computer can chart high and low tides, wave size and currents, but it can’t surf.

* The words “I love you” mean so little to a computer.

* Only human hands can mix the perfect martini.

* Machines can’t do The Wave.

* Nothing beats a human when it comes to whining and moaning and rationalizing about a loss when a computer kicks your chess-playing butt.

* A computer can’t high-five after it wins.