A jury candidate asked to be excused from a panel in downtown L.A. because he needed to undo a business deal transacted in his absence.
“Your honor,” he explained, “since I’ve been on jury duty, my wife bought a used car. And she paid $14,000 for it.”
No sale, the judge told him.
READ THE SMALL PRINT: Don Goldberg of L.A. came across a grower of seedless watermelons who made sure to guard against any possible accusation of false advertising (see accompanying).
DUELING TITLES: Alex Duarte of Pasadena noticed an event that seemed to have contradictory purposes (see invitation). Which makes us wonder. When Southern Californians go on a fast, do they say to each other, “Hey--let’s not do lunch!”
SLANG 101: OK, class, for today’s assignment, you will memorize the definitions for the following terms, which appear in “UCLA Slang 3,” the most recent dictionary compiled by UCLA linguistics Prof. Pamela Munro and her students.
* Baldwin: handsome male (from the actor brothers of the same name).
* Be Audi 5: to leave, as in, “Upon leaving the party, he said, ‘I’m Audi 5.’ ” (From the similarity of the car name to the slang expression “outty.”
* Be unloved: to fail to receive a communication (e-mail, mail or answering machine message), as in, “I was gone all day and yet when I got home I saw that I had been unloved.”
* Fake bake: to tan inside a tanning booth.
* 45: good night, as in, “He paged me 45 before he went to sleep last night” (from number of letters in each word).
* Maff: to make someone back down (from “Mafia”).
* Monet: a person who looks good from far away, but not from up close, as in, “She’s such a Monet.” (From the French artist Monet).
* Talk to Ralph on the big white phone: to vomit into a toilet.
* 24-7: all the time, as in “I think about her 24-7" (24 hours a day, seven days a week).
* University of the Scholastically Challenged: one of the more than a dozen slurs aimed at UCLA’s cross-town rival. “UCLA Slang 3,” by the way, offers no variations on the meaning of the letters UCLA.
OUT OF THIS WORLD: Last week, we mentioned the bank teller named Jacqueline Penn, whose business cards sounded like a magic act: Jacqueline Penn--Teller.
We’ve since heard from Don Mann, a producer of TV commercials, who is currently doing some work for a company called Marz. “So,” he added, “when I’m coordinating a project and have to make phone calls, I’m Mann from Marz.”
IT’S EASIER TO PICTURE IN BEVERLY HILLS: A Salvation Army Thrift Store in Torrance recently announced that it had “added a new boutique store.” It’s on fashionable Pacific Coast Highway.
THE MAGIC OF SHOW BIZ: In the Back Stage West publication, Lonnie Burr of Valley Village spotted a job opening for a choreographer for the musical, “Barbizon.” The ad said: “Stitching / sewing experience required.”
One of the “Father’s Day Specials” advertised by the 99 Cents Only Stores this week is the book, “Lyle Menendez--In His Own Words.” On that note, we’re Audi 5.
Steve Harvey can be contacted by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.