Punch Lines

Weird Facts: A study has found that coffee drinkers lead more active sex lives. Argus Hamilton has the explanation: “For one thing, they’re awake.”

“The romance novel industry was rocked by news that one of its leading authors had admitted to plagiarism. ‘Does this means we’re like real writers?’ one of them asked.” (Michael X. Ferraro)

* HarperCollins is still considering whether to publish the guilty author’s new novel, says Joe Vogel. “If they do, it will be because the lawyers have determined it wasn’t plagiarism, but a really clever way of writing a menage a trois.”

“Polygram is reportedly unhappy with director Robert Altman’s upcoming feature, ‘The Gingerbread Man,’ and has brought in its own editor to recut the flick,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Yeah, what does that Robert Altman guy know about movies, anyway?”

Some L.A. schools were found to be using textbooks by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, says Joe Kevany. “The methods seem to be working. Several of the students now want to start their own religions when they grow up.”

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In Our Capitol: Regarding the balanced budget and tax cuts passing in Congress, “The plan does have its critics,” says the Daily Scoop. “Anything having that many politicians agreeing is bound to make people suspicious.”

* “Republicans and Democrats in Congress have agreed on a budget and, regardless of political ideology, they all seek the same thing: John Huang’s phone number.” (Alan Ray)

“The Republicans defeated the Democrats in their annual baseball game,” says Jay Leno. “The game raised a lot of money for charity. Plus, the home plate umpire took home $5,000 in bribes.”

“National Airport has undergone a $1-billion renovation,” says Ray. “The bill was only supposed to be half that amount, but the contractor left his car in daily parking.”

“The Senate committee’s findings of illegal campaign financing activities raises a shocking question in our society: ‘This is new to them?’ ” (Ray)

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The last original Disneyland employee retired after 42 years in the park. “Six years in line to ride the Matterhorn, seven years for Jungle Safari, eight years for Pirates of the Caribbean. . . .” (Steve Voldseth)

* “Bob Penfield remembers back when Mickey Mouse had to work a night job as a lab rat just to get by.” (Jerry Perisho)

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Reader Deborah Shapiro of Woodland Hills says her son was taking his 5-year-old daughter to another Dodger game and asked her, “Susan, do you like to go to Dodger Stadium?”

Said Susan, “I like the treats, but I don’t like the show.”