Thieves Who Didn’t Have a Lot on the Ball

Burglary detectives watched as the two men in black rubber diving suits parked their car and disappeared into the darkness with an empty knapsack. The intruders returned with the knapsack bulging. Their booty? About 1,000 slightly used but wet golf balls, fished out of a pond at the Van Nuys Golf Course. The two were arrested on suspicion of theft, but one detective admitted:

“We thought we really had something a little more serious going on.”

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THE DUKE WOULDN’T LIKE THIS: Ann Jordan passed along a cruise line’s ad in which John Wayne Airport was renamed--after Wayne Newton. Not to be confused with Newt Gingrich (see accompanying).

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WE ALWAYS SUSPECTED AS MUCH: Then there was the carpet cleaner whose ad made a frank admission about its prices (see accompanying).

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HE WAS LOOKING FOR WAYNE NEWTON AIRPORT: Howard Singer became the first person to drive a car from the mainland to Catalina Island, averaging 3 mph over the 26 miles in his Aquacar in August 1978.

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TREAD ON HIM: Rather than collect the autographs of celebrities, stand-up comic John Pate amassed their tread marks. Pate’s contributors let him splash watercolors on their tire treads, after which they drove over canvases spread on the pavement.

Pate, whose collection included the treads of comic Phyllis Diller, actor Ed Marinaro and boxer Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini, said, “The idea came to me while I was in a museum looking at some pop art--I figured you could run a car across a canvas and get the same effect.”

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MORE STUPID CRIMINAL TRICKS: Two men who robbed a Silver Lake resident at knifepoint were arrested in the victim’s apartment after stripping down to their underwear and donning bathrobes in an attempt to convince police they lived there.

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LIST OF THE DAY: Southlanders have reported receiving computer-generated letters addressed to:

* “No Name” (Susan Tellem).

* “Revocable Kronick” (Nancy Kronick, who had set up a revocable trust).

* “Ns Senio R. L A Me” (Ken Jaffe, who had a sports team, the L.A.-Westside Men’s Senior Baseball League.

* “No Advertising Matter” (Dean Terlinden).

* “End of Roll” (Jan Haas).

And then there was the Prudential Insurance Co.’s letter to Burton L. Cohen of Sepulveda. The name and address were correct. It’s just that the balance of the letter was in Chinese. Cohen is not Chinese.

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BORN IN L.A.: Natives of Los Angeles include the late U.S. Chief Justice Earl Warren, costume designer Edith Head, two-time presidential nominee Adlai Stevenson, Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt, astronaut Sally Ride, Bob Dole running mate Jack Kemp, Iva Toguri D’Aquino (the notorious Tokyo Rose of World War II), Marilyn Monroe and Mickey Mouse (born in a studio in Hollywood).

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MR. ED TESTIFIED ON HIS BEHALF: When cowboy star Montie Montana divorced his wife, Eleanor, the settlement enabled him to win permanent custody of his horse, Larry.

miscelLAny:

After a Philippine Little League team was disqualified for cheating and a Long Beach team was proclaimed world champion, Long Beach awarded a city key to the Philippine sportswriter who uncovered the scandal. He needed to get away for a while, anyway.