Punch Lines
New Math: Basketball player Latrell Sprewell will lose the remainder of his $32-million contract after trying to strangle his coach. “It’s a hefty sum. Mike Tyson would have to eat four ears to lose that much money.” (Argus Hamilton)
He’s Looking for “the Real Strangler”: Meanwhile, Sprewell’s attorney, Barry Scheck, “claims the wounds on the coach’s neck were from a prior injury. He wants the charges reduced to a friendly tickling.” (Jay Leno)
Marv-O-Rama: In a satirical look at 1997, TV Guide named Marv Albert its man of the year. “Coincidentally, the new Victoria’s Secret catalog names Albert its woman of the year.” (Daily Scoop)
Fund-Raisers of the Caribbean: “After hearing that Disney honcho Michael Eisner made $565 million, President Clinton called to ask if he’d like a fresh plot at Arlington. It turns out the administration honors all veterans of takeover battles and proxy wars.” (Hamilton)
Mascot Make-Overs: First, Barbie got a new look. Now, the Michelin tire man. “What’s next? Mr. Clean taking Rogaine?” (Mark Efman)
Gallo Humor: Lorena Gallo, formerly Lorena Bobbitt, was charged with punching her mom as the woman watched TV. “After the attack, Gallo drove off in her car and tossed the remote control out the window.” (Efman)
Puppy Love: “When asked what the Clintons will name the new White House dog, a spokesman said, ‘Well, the puppy sniffs crotches and paws women, so they’re calling him Little Bill.’ ” (Premiere Radio)
Mark Miller’s Believe It . . . or Not:
* Rutherford B. Hayes was the only U.S. president to have served Velveeta at a formal state dinner.
* The question, “Who ordered the turkey with extra mayo on rye?” has never been uttered during an exorcism.
* When Alexander Hamilton saw how big John Hancock had signed his name on the Declaration of Independence, he said to Hancock: “Oh, really mature, Jack.”
David Letterman, Abridged:
The top 10 other things that will get you suspended from the NBA . . .
10. Show up to game in the same dress as Dennis Rodman.
8. Get caught chugging a bottle of Michael Jordan’s cologne.
5. At halftime, roast team mascot on a giant spit.
1. Scratch up the court with your high heels.
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.