Punch Lines

(Not) Like a Virgin: A recent survey found that eight out of 10 women aren’t virgins when they get married. “Today, President Clinton took full responsibility. He said the findings were an embarrassment to his administration and pledged not to rest until it’s 10 out of 10.” (Steve Voldseth)

Kiss and Latrell: “You can tell Johnnie Cochran has a hand in the defense of Latrell Sprewell. The fired NBA player now claims his coach was choked by a squad of Colombian hit men.” (Camille Brewster)

We Could’ve Used Latrell Here: Saxophonist-from-hell Kenny G recently set a record by playing one note for more than 45 minutes. “Now he’s cashing in. He sold the rights to a car alarm company.” (Joe Kevany)

Try Saying This 10 Times Fast: President Clinton recently attended four fund-raisers in New York. “Let me get this straight: The president attended four fund-raisers to raise funds to defend himself for his fund-raising scandals.” (Brewster)

Rest in (Honk!) Peace: Bozo the Clown passed away last week. For years, this redheaded clown in wild makeup was a daily fixture on Chicago TV. “Fortunately, the city has Dennis Rodman to carry on the tradition.” (Argus Hamilton)

Name That Pooch: A contest is underway to name Clinton’s new dog. “The most popular name sent in so far is Lucky. But that’s too confusing because it’s also Clinton’s nickname.” (Jay Leno)

Pooch II: Other suggested names for the dog include Quarterpounder and Subpoena. (Paul Ecker)

Diamond-Studded Milk-Bones? “The president built an expensive doghouse for the new puppy, but it’s already paid for itself. He rents it out to campaign contributors for $50,000 a night.” (Brewster)

Soap Opera: “Robert Downey Jr.’s six-month jail sentence could boost his acting career. When he gets out, he’ll know how to play a leading lady.” (Alan Ray)

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The Abbreviated David Letterman:

Top 10 highlights of Clinton’s visit to New York . . .

10. Declared Mayor Giuliani’s comb-over a federal disaster area.

5. Hit up entire cast of “Miss Saigon” for campaign contributions.

4. Managed to walk several city blocks without asking a single pedestrian for sex.

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