Sexy Olde England

In our continuing series of duels between the King’s English and American English, Randall Bosley of Hollywood offers this story. When Bosley visited England, he says, “I was repeatedly greeted with smirks and giggles whenever I introduced myself with, ‘Hi. I’m Randy.’ Which would sometimes be followed by the remark, ‘Oh, and are you?’ or ‘Are you really?’ Finally, after more than two weeks of this, someone had the kindness to explain that ‘randy’ in England means horny or oversexed. Henceforth, I introduced myself as Randall.”

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THANKS FOR THE WARNING: Kenny Morse, host of the cable TV show “Ask Mr. Traffic,” noticed that one automotive garage advertised itself as “honest and expensive” (see accompanying).

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AGENT UH-OH: Every industry has its urban folk tales and Don Lukenbill wrote us about one yarn making the rounds in the insurance biz. It concerns a policy called “errors and omissions” that is required for agents because it can protect them in the event of lawsuits.

Anyway, one agent’s assistant fell ill, necessitating the hiring of a temp. During this time, the agent renewed his policy and asked the temp to place it in the “errors and omissions” file.

Some weeks later, the agent was sued and wanted to check the policy. His regular clerk, back on the job, found the file, but no renewal inside. The agent was in a panic until the clerk did more searching and found the “errors and omissions” policy in a new file--marked, “Arizona Missions.”

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CHRISTMAS IN LA-LA LAND: OK, I’m starting to get into the spirit now. If you’ll excuse my becoming sentimental, here are some of the L.A. visions that dance in my head at holiday time:

* Being tailgated by a motorist with a Christmas wreath on his grille.

* Freeway traffic jams caused by spilled Christmas trees.

* The San Pedro Christmas Boat Parade--where one of the best views is available to inmates of the federal prison on Terminal Island.

* The inevitable sidewalk panhandler wearing a Santa cap.

* The yearly call from a reader claiming to have seen satanic symbols in his or her holiday wrapping paper.

* Nighttime delays on the Pomona Freeway caused by drivers slowing down to gawk at the traditionally large displays of Christmas lights on homes in the Diamond Bar area.

* Blue greeting cards that say, “7 Reasons for UCLA Bruins to celebrate the holiday season,” on the outside--and give the scores of the last seven UCLA victories over USC on the inside.

* The offshore oil wells decorated like Christmas trees in Long Beach.

* Renditions of Joe Klein’s tender standard, “Christmas in Malibu” (“St. Nick and his elves/Wetsuits off the shelves/It’s the one day of year/They get the waves to themselves”)

* Christmas cards from publicists I’ve never heard of.

* And, finally, that special glow this time of year. Don’t you dare say it’s smog.

miscelLAny:

Gerry Wright of Long Beach noticed a toy described as a “Newborn Diaper Surprise”--something that every parent is all-too-familiar with (see accompanying). Has anyone warned Santa about this cargo?