Around the Country: “A 50-foot gunboat commanded...

Around the Country: “A 50-foot gunboat commanded by Benedict Arnold in 1776 has been found intact on the floor of Lake Champlain,” says Bob Mills. “Ten minutes after the discovery was made, Broadway producers announced plans to turn it into a musical.”

UFO buffs have gathered in Roswell, N.M., to mark the 50th anniversary of alleged alien landings. “The only thing alien at this event is people with common sense.” (Mark Wheeler)

* “If there is intelligent life out there, why would they vacation in New Mexico?” (Alan Ray)

* “Thousands are in Roswell,” says Argus Hamilton. “They think aliens landed in Roswell. They think the Loch Ness monster is alive. They believe Ross Perot is of this Earth.”

A United Airlines flight attendant has accused the Rev. Robert H. Schuller of injuring him in an altercation, which Schuller denies. “Think about it,” says Morty Wright. “Schuller can’t afford to throw stones. He lives in a glass house.”

An Oklahoma City judge, in an obscenity case, allowed police to seize copies of “The Tin Drum,” an Oscar-winning film about Nazi Germany, from video stores, a library and a private home. The Cutler Daily Scoop points out: “See, you don’t even need to rent the movie to get a taste of Nazi Germany.”

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Inside the Beltway: In its ruling against assisted suicide, the Supreme Court added a clause. “In a nod to the AMA, the court made one exception--any patient who somehow outlives the expiration date on his credit card.” (Mills)

* “Congress also refused a right-to-die law, but wants to relax gun control,” says Adam Leslie. “They won’t give us a right to die, just a good chance.”

The U.S. Postal Service may reduce the price of some stamps, allowing customers to use prepaid envelopes from participating companies. “The only catch rate is that the Post Office will give you some mail to deliver on your way home,” says Wheeler.

“The White House has released its report on the future of the Internet,” says Ray. “Most cyberspace experts agree there is only one thing keeping the average person off the Net--America Online.”

* Bill Clinton and Al Gore welcomed industry executives to the White House conference. “For $75,000 they all got to spend the night in Lincoln’s chat room.” (Hamilton)

“The IRS is considering moving back the tax deadline to May 15--giving people an extra month to pick up the forms to file late.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Reader Robert Cole was visiting his cousin, Wayne. The two were reminiscing about their military days in the company of Wayne’s 9-year-old grandson, Zac. Wayne said, “I sure wouldn’t want to be in the Army again. Someone tells you when to eat, when to sleep. . . .”

“That sounds like my mom,” Zac said.