Punch Lines

Outer Space: NASA’s explorer Pathfinder has begun its work on Mars. “One small step for robot. One giant leap for robot-kind.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Among the objectives of the mission is looking for evidence that men are indeed from Mars.” (Daily Scoop)

* “The rover Sojourner stands 1 foot high, is 2 feet long and travels at a half-inch per second--the exact blueprints for the first Yugo.” (Earl Hochman)

* “It’s the first time a man-made vehicle has driven on another planet,” says the Daily Scoop. “So why do so many people act like they learned to drive on another planet?”

* “There could be future problems,” says Bob Mills. “Sen. Jesse Helms vowed to cut NASA’s funding after someone told him Mars is called the Red Planet.”

* NASA has given Mars rocks names including Barnacle Bill and Yogi. “Parents of those scientists must have all said the same thing when they were kids--’Finish your logarithms and then you can watch Looney Tunes.’ ” (Russ Meyers)

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Spaced Out: Roswell, N.M., was overwhelmed with 60,000 tourists on the weekend. “The good news is, they all believe in UFOs, space alien abductions and U.S. Air Force conspiracy theories. The bad news is, these are voters.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “The most commonly heard pickup line--’My, what big eyes you have.’ ” (Daily Scoop)

* “As in the past, nothing unusual happened at Roswell, but this time there were more witnesses.” (Jack Simmons)

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Political Scene: “House speaker Newt Gingrich is trying to lose about 40 pounds,” says Jerry Perisho. “He’s on the new GOP diet and exercise program--you jump up and down about President Clinton’s proposals, then eat crow when the public doesn’t support you.”

Massachusetts’ governor has until Thursday to sign or veto a bill that would make the tollhouse the state cookie. “He’s currently discussing the matter with noted milk and cookies expert Michael Kennedy.” (Joe Vogel)

Ted Turner suggests dumping the “Star-Spangled Banner” and adopting “America the Beautiful” as our national anthem because it is less warlike. “Ted is living under the assumption that we actually understand the words to the “Star-Spangled Banner.” (Daily Scoop)

Anti-environmentalists responded angrily to the president’s approval of tough new EPA rules on smog and soot, says Mills. “From now on, scientists will have to rate the quality of the ozone layer more specifically than ‘smooth’ or ‘chunky’ ”

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Coda: “Beverly Hills Realtors see no future on Mars. It’s too far from Spago.” (Stan Kaplan)

Reader Bess Stark says a 4-year-old neighbor, Sally, would often drop in at her family’s house. One day Stark’s mother found Sally jumping up and down on the couch. “Does your mother let you do that at home?” she asked.

“No,” Sally said. “That’s why I come here.”