It’s a New World of the Silent Rejection

These words are calculated to strike dread into the heart: “I’m sorry, he’s not available. Would you like his voicemail?” No, you would not like his voicemail. In fact, you actively hate his voicemail. What you would like is to speak to the actual human being in question as soon as possible.

But, gratefully, humbly, you deposit your message in the voicemail system. Then you hang up, wondering if you might not just as well have stuffed your message into a bottle and hurled it into the nearest body of water, even if that happens to be a storm drain.

Somewhere on this planet, there are people who treat their voicemail messages as though they were valid communications from the outside world, representing other people with an urgent need to connect within roughly the same 24-hour period. These are the same people who drive the speed limit, floss regularly and never use those little unsolicited address stickers that arrive in the mail without making a donation to the appropriate charity.

I don’t know any of these people. That’s too bad, because if I knew them I could get them on the phone and I might have a social life. The people I know seem to regard voicemail as devoid of any practical purpose, existing in a parallel universe that only rarely intersects with our own. To most people, voicemail is like lint: It just shows up, and there’s nothing you can do about it, except try to brush it off.

Much has been made of show biz double talk, of people saying in all seriousness, “It’s a go picture, but it’s not a ‘go’ go.” And everyone is familiar with the phone call that gets returned at 8 a.m. or 7 p.m., indicating: “I want to get you off my phone log, but I don’t really want to talk to you.”

Voicemail has given rise to a new form of rejection: People simply don’t call you back. At all. Ever. You’ve heard of the yes that means no? This is a new refinement: the silence that means no.

Pursuing people so that they can be forced to reject you or your ideas in so many words is now considered crass and insensitive.

After all, the last thing they want is to hurt you--or at least, for you to be on the other end of the phone while they’re doing it.

Imagine how they feel, having to go through the pain of silently rejecting people by ignoring their phone calls all the time.

If, while this rejection process is underway, the caller happens to bump into the callee at some event, the callee invariably will blame his or her lack of response on the voicemail--and will promise to call the very next day. Don’t wait by the phone.

I know the concept of the voicemail menu is all-pervasive, whether you’re making airline reservations, ordering takeout or calling your toddler’s preschool. Soon the police may be using it for 911. Does this give anyone else besides me nightmares?

“Hello, you have reached the LAPD 911 voicemail system. For English, press 1. For Spanish, press 2. For all other languages, including Ebonics, press 3. If you are calling from a rotary phone, you’ve obviously dipped below the poverty line and live in a bad neighborhood, so we don’t really care how long it takes, but stay on the line and an operator eventually will come to your assistance.

“If you are calling to report a homicide, press 1. If it is gang-related, wait till the end of this menu and we’ll see if we can get around to you. To report an armed robbery, press 2; a burglary or home invasion, press 3; a rape, press 4 and pray for a female officer to respond; a domestic dispute, press 5. If it’s a domestic dispute and one of the parties is famous, be aware that this call may be monitored for quality control by the National Enquirer.

“If you are calling to report that your cable is out, you have the wrong number. To reach an operator, press 0 and hope you’re very, very lucky, since nine out of 10 times pressing 0 will just send you back to voicemail.

“To hear a personal recorded message from our new police chief on how he plans to get tough on crime, press 6. To leave a recorded message of your own--no obscenities, please; we have Star 69 and we’re prepared to use it--press 7, unless the mailbox is full, in which case call back later--a lot later. To hear this voicemail menu again, press the pound key.

“Hello, you have reached the LAPD 911 voicemail system. For English, press 1. For Spanish. . . .”

There’s a reason why Dante described hell as a series of descending circles.