ICNFESS
Each word is taken from the vanity plate master list issued by the DMV.
IAM GILTEE, YRHONOR. YPRETND?
AFTERAL DIDNOT ZE COPPS
KECHME NTHEACT? YESI SMASHED EVERY
WYND CHYME ZAT MYY NAYBOR OWNED.
GILTY, GILTI, GILLTIE. ITHROW MESELF
ONDA MERSIE OFD KOURT.
*
YESOYES, DATS THE LARJ
MALLETT IDID USE.
*
HOWE DOI EXPLAIN DA KRAAAZY WILDEYE
FERAL LOOK ONN MYYY PHACE WHEN IDIDIT?
SYMPLE. OVRTYME ZSOUND
OF THOS CHIMES TRNS4MD
MEE N2 UNO SYKOPAF.
*
IHEARD EM ALLZTYM. IDO WAKEUPP:
TYNKEL TINKLL. IBTALKN ONDFONE: PLINK
PLANK. IEAT2NA: BINGLE BINNK. IWRITE
PL8SPK: HINKLE JINGL. ITRIM MII CUTICLS:
DINGEL DING. IOPEN ABOOKE, IPULL
OFFFME SOXX, BREATHE: PINGLE PINKKI
PANGIE PANG PING.
*
ANY ACTT IPER4M--NOMATTR HOW
PRIV8--ILISN 2D SAME NDLESS
APAWLNG SNDTRAC.
*
WTSDMTR WITH AA WINND CHIME? ISUPOZ
1IS OKAAY, JUDGE, BUTHEY, 28 IZZ PTHLGCL.
DURING ABIGGE SNTAANA IADVIZE HVYDTY
EAR PLUGSS.
*
YESINO ITZ NOTLEGL, THA SMASHNG. IMSORY.
BUT ALLIASK FORRE IZ MI BRTHRIT.
2HEAR KDS ATPLAY. BRDSNG. DAA BREEEZ
NDA PALMS. NOT DINKIE DINKEL DINK
NYTNDAY.
*
CASE DISMIST.
*
* For PL8SPK translation, please see Page 34.
(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)
Platespeak translation
I Confess
I am guilty, your honor. Why pretend? After all, didn’t the cops catch me in the act? Yes, I smashed every wind chime that my neighbor owned. Guilty, guilty, guilty. I throw myself at the mercy of the court.
Yes, oh, yes, that’s the large mallet that I used.
How do I explain the crazy, wild-eye, feral look on my face when I did it? Simple. Over time the sound of those chimes transformed into one psychopath.
I heard them all the time. I do wake up: tinkle tinkle. I be talking on the phone: plink plank. I eat tuna: bingle bink. I write PL8SPK: hinkle jingle. I trim my cuticles: dingle ding. I open a book, I pull off my socks, breathe: pingle pinky pangy pang ping.
Any act I perform--no matter how private--I listen to same endless, appalling soundtrack.
What’s the matter with a wind chime? I suppose one is OK, judge, but, hey, 28 is pathological. During a big Santa Ana I advise heavy duty earplugs.
Yes I know it’s not legal, the smashing. I’m sorry. But all I ask for is my birthright. To hear kids at play. Bird song. The breeze in the palms. Not dinky dinkle dink, night and day.
Case dismissed.
