Declaring a No-Fly Zone Over Hollywood

The studio press release warned that “high above the streets of Los Angeles” on Friday, there will be “a convoy of planes and helicopters escorting massive banners that warn Angelenos, ‘In Five Days Witness the Resurrection.’ ”

It’s all about the latest in the interminable series of “Alien” movies, and the commotion should be good for some memorable traffic jams downtown, as occurred during a helicopter stunt for the movie “Independence Day.”

Isn’t it about time for the U.N. to declare the Civic Center a no-fly zone for Hollywood publicists?

THE HORROR, THE HORROR: The Ventura Freeway was also the victim of a Tinseltown tie-up in 1994 when mock freeway message boards uttering such warnings as “Gang War Riot Ahead” and “Killer Bee Gridlock” were set up.

Radio commentator Will Simpson later commented that the traffic chaos wasn’t caused by the signs. Rather, he said, it was after the purpose of the props was revealed that “terror and panic ensued:” they were there for the filming of a “Brady Bunch” movie.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK: A memo from the city Bureau of Engineering, regarding the relocation of City Hall workers during seismic rehabilitation, asked for department heads to make a list of work items that may be installed “incorrectly.” Don’t see why they need to plan screw-ups at City Hall; they seem to come naturally there (see excerpt).

BATHROOM HUMOR? Dan Kaplowitz of Whittier saw an ad for a true “economy toilet”--if you want the seat, that’s extra (see excerpt).

Kaplowitz said: “Reminds me of the car salesman with his bottom-line price who asks his puzzled prospect, ‘Now did you want a steering wheel with it too?’ ”

HOME SWEET HOMME: Jonnic Thompsett, age 10, is a true L.A. kid, hip to all the current jargon. While visiting Quebec, he left the restaurant table to find the washroom. When he came back, his parents asked him how he found the right one inasmuch as the doors were marked in French. He explained: “I just went to the door marked ‘homies.’ ”

“Homies” . . . “Hommes” . . . close enough.

INSULT DU JOUR: On a job assignment Down Under, Jim Brown of Simi Valley wanted the soup of the day in a Sydney eatery, “but not the huge bowl Aussie restaurants serve. So I did what I would do at home--order a cup of soup. The waiter came back with a coffee mug with soup in it and left it on the table. He finally returned to ask if I was going to drink it out of the cup or did I want a spoon? After he left my Aussie lunch companions said it was the first time they had heard someone order soup in a cup.”

miscelLAny:

Anyone who can juggle “small items in the air for at least a minute” will win two free tickets to the Monday performance of “Room Service” at the Mark Taper Forum. The play stars the comedy/theater/juggling troupe, the Flying Karamazov Brothers. Would-be jugglers should gather at 11 a.m. on Monday at the Center Theatre Group box office of the Ahmanson Theatre. Items “should be smaller than a breadbox and have no sharp edges.”

What? No chain saws?

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.